A Purple Pilgrim

The One Who Fears

2010-09-25T21:12:00.004-04:00

Today in our study on idols, the lesson concentrated on fear. And here is the interesting concept we are pondering - is fear an idol or the cement that bonds us to an idol. I had never really explored fear as a bonding agent before.

In our country today, fear is the basis of many of our life choices, daily habits, media focus...I mean it is EVERYWHERE!!! We have to eat right for fear of cancer or obesity or heart disease. We have to lock our doors and don't speak to strangers because we can't trust anyone. We take an extra 2 hours at the airport for fear that the airplane will be used as a terrorist statement. We worry and fear for our children's education because we fear they will not be able to become gainfully employed. We fear becoming bankrupt or not being able to support ourselves in our retirement. We fear other countries, we fear people who are different from us, we fear, fear, fear....in fact we fear SO MUCH that it has become an accepted state of mind. Fear has become the new normal. HOW DID WE GET THIS WAY!!!

Now to think that fear is a bonding agent, holding us tightly to our idols - that means that the idols are so numerous that we don't even recognize how much we have pushed God out of the way...

As we were asked today to review several scriptures that deal with fear. They were small slices of passages - from both the Old and New Testaments, and one thing that struck me was throughout the Old Testament, the Israelites were instructed to Fear God...but then in the New Testament, this all changed. Jesus often said - Fear Not, Do Not Be Afraid, etc. etc....so why did this change? Well, one thought I have is that if fear is a bonding agent - then it was most appropriate for God to tell the Israelites to fear HIM, the one and only God. The fear is what bound them to Him instead of other gods...but then the GOOD NEWS comes to us through Jesus - and through Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, God resides in us - so he is bound to us outside of fear. The need for the bonding agent has been replaced by the infusion. We are born again and need fear no more.....I love that (but oh if I could just live that!)

My favorite scripture, of the ones we studied on fear was 1 John 4:18 but to get the full effect, it is important to go back and read starting at verse 15:

If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love, lives in God and God is in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement; in this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

I LOVE this scripture - it is the Gospel in a nutshell...and it perfectly complements another of my favorite scriptures from John - John 15:10-11:

If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my fathers commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

So to put this all in terms I can relate to (in my very limited brain) - it's like that old kid's game rocks/paper/scissors...seriously.

Love is paper
Our Heart is the rock
Scissors are fear

Love wraps around the heart - but can be "cut" by fear
The Heart can beat Fear

For The Glory of God

2010-09-19T08:45:00.002-04:00

Well, I am stuck...

In this first week of the study "No Other Gods" we are asked to reflect on our skills, talents, resources, passions and areas of expertise. Well - I am stuck on what my "talent" is...

It is not like I can do anything that is an obvious "talent" - I don't sing, dance or write poetry. I am not an artist or actress. I can't use power tools. I don't have a knack for decorating. I am a fair cook - but not by any stretch a chef. I really would never consider entering a talent show.

So - I am stuck...can't figure out the answer to the talent question. But is talent really important? Maybe having no talent is a blessing...it keeps me more on the track of humility. Because I think if I had a real awesome talent I might be tempted to become prideful or selfish. Perhaps I would start taking full credit for whatever product my talent created. Perhaps my talent would become one of my idols - consuming my life while I basked in the shining light of myself. The spotlight would be turned on me instead of outward as a reflection of God.

But I am not off the hook with no talent - it doesn't allow me to reduce my efforts or excuse my inaction because 1 Corinthians 10:31 says "Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." SO - WHATEVER I DO (talentless person that I am) should be for the glory of God. Now this is a different can of worms to work through.

How do I do all things for the glory of God? What does that look like? How do I shine God's light outside myself into the world? How do I use the (minimal) skills I posses to further HIS glory - not my own? These are all "heart" questions and can be piercing realities to sift through. I have no answers now, but hope to at least dig down a level or two.

Today - in a book I am reading "After You Believe" by N.T. Wright, this quote struck home with me as to the reason we are asked to have no "idols" and why it is so critical to become God centered and evaluate my own skills and talents for their purpose:

"...just as ancient rulers might place statues of themselves in far-flung cities to remind subject peoples who was ruling them, so God has placed his own image, human beings, into his world so that the world can see who its ruler is. Not only see, but experience. Precisely because God is the God of generous, creative, outflowing love, his way of running things is to share power, to work through his image-bearers, to invite their glad and free collaboration in his project."

Image-bearer of God...now that is something to ponder. God does not want us to craft idols in any form because WE are his statues. WE reflect Him to the world....

Peacock Feather or Violin

2010-08-20T22:07:00.007-04:00

Lately I have been practicing Centering Prayer - a special prayer practice that is similar to meditation but with a different destination point. In meditation, one quiets the soul in a search for total self awareness - but in Centering Prayer one is silencing oneself in a search for total God awareness. Meditation - all about self... Centering Prayer - all about God.

The struggle against self has always been the biggest obstacle in my spiritual journey. It always seems to come back to this. This is why I am appreciating this time working on Centering Prayer. In order to reach the point of equanimity - where you reach full realization that there is nothing that is NOT God - I have to push my "self" out of the way. That's a lot of pushing for me...

In one of the books I am reading on Centering Prayer - "Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening" the author Cynthia Bourgeault warns to be wary of peacock feathers - those times when your ego is smugly glowing within its comfort zone. This can be tricky stuff - because sometimes these peacock feathers can seem like really good things - the high from a "God Moment" that you want to share with others, satisfaction that you did the right thing, serving diligently in church, helping others - all these can be peacock feathers if "self" is the center of the story and not God. The thing about peacock feathers is that they can be admired by others, and are truly beautiful to look at, but they are only important to and controlled by the peacock - and they don't invite others to join in.

Now violins on the other hand are more representative of where the Centering Prayer will take you. Violins produce beautiful soothing melodies that allow music from the Master to flow into the surrounding and be absorbed by those within its hearing. Violins promote harmony and community (even symphonies !). A violin requires dependency on the violinist to play the notes and recognizes it is useless without the Master - and that any recognition is not for the violin itself, but for the music it helps to create.

Quieting the inside noise

2010-07-08T14:25:00.005-04:00

I have been spending this summer learning about prayer - particularly about Centering Prayer. More on that will come in a future blog post once I have absorbed and digested all I am processing. In the meantime I came across the most awesome poem that speaks to where I am right now in my journey. I never really thought about the danger of "spiritual materialism" - that desire to repeat spiritual experiences just for the sake of acquiring them the same as we would acquire other goods. It didn't occur to me that this could actually begin to build a wall between myself and my Master. So that is what I am processing through right now, how to become pure in the cave of my heart as well as the cave I occupy on earth...

This poem is by Rabindranth Tagore:

Time after time

I came to your gate with raised hands,
asking for more and yet more.

You gave and gave, now in slow measure, now
in sudden excess.

I took some, and some things I let drop; some
lay heavy on my hands;

Some I made into playthings and broke them
when tired;

Till the wrecks and hoards of your gifts grew
immense, hiding you, and the ceaseless
expectation wore my heart out.
Take, oh take - has now become my cry.
Shatter all from this beggar's bowl;

Put out the lamp of the importunate
watcher

Hold my hands, raise me from the
still gathering heap of your gifts
Into the bare infinity of your uncrowded
Presence

Micah 6:8

2010-06-14T07:59:00.010-04:00

Micah 6:8 is a tiny scripture in word count, but a towering mountain in Word meaning. As Mike Moses told us this week at worship, Micah 6:8 stands tall amongst other scripture when we are reading to understand how we should live as Godly people.

I love this scripture - it is a prime example of the paradox of the Word. On a surface level it appears simple enough, but the very nature of the statement draws the reader in to savour and chew on the meaning. Three simple phrases combined in such a way that we realize, just as with the Trinity itself, to follow their direction requires a unique intertwining that creates a completeness that can't be accomplished when held separately.

Do Justice, Love Mercy, Walk Humbly...this is how we are to live.

The first thing to jump out at me as I read this scripture is the associated verb with each noun. DO justice, LOVE mercy, WALK humbly. How do I DO justice? What does it mean to LOVE mercy? And how do I WALK humbly?

It seems that each of these three expectations are dependent on each other, and while justice and humility have outward definable actions, it is the mercy that gently weaves between them creating a magical tapestry.

It is interesting that the prophet did not say SHOW mercy - he said LOVE mercy. Loving mercy is an inward, soul defining action. You must LOVE mercy with such a passion that it exudes your every action. When you LOVE mercy, there are no questions to what you should do in any situation...and when you LOVE mercy doing justice and walking humbly are natural outcomes.

If I LOVE mercy, my natural inclination will be to help those who are the weak and vulnerable and in need of mercy. In order to gain their trust I must WALK humbly, never implying that they are any less of a person than I am. Once in this relationship of trust, I can better understand cicumstances and issues that might improve or prevent continued vulnerability - and then I can DO justice by helping to bring awareness to injustices that exist.

Lessons From My Father

2010-05-20T08:58:00.003-04:00

Today my father will make that journey from the comforting presence of his family to the comforting arms of his Saviour.

This past week as I have sat beside my daddy and reflected on our memories I can see the impact that his unspoken actions have had on my own value system.

My dad was a true "Scots-Irish" character. Not one to waste anything - including words - he was forthright and brief with his opinions (unless of course he was telling a joke or a story, in those cases he instead drew the listener in and played with them while his eyes twinkled and he waited for just the right moment to deliver the punch line). No - my dad was much more effective in teaching through his actions. So here are a few of the life lessons I will always remember from my dad.

1. Honor your parents. I will always remember the weekly trips my father made to his parents. When they were still in their home he took care of all their yard work. Later when my grandma was living with my aunt he made sure we were all there each Sunday to visit and bring her favorite treat of "Klondike" ice cream bars (which also just happened to be his favorite as well).

2. Stand for your convictions, but don't belittle those who disagree with you. This is a lesson I think we could use more of today. Again, harkening to his Irish roots, my dad had very strong political opinions. While he would never sway from his beliefs, and always enjoyed verbally sparring with others (especially my uncle on my mothers side who had completely opposing views), he generally managed to leave the argument on good terms with his opponent. Somehow a wink and a smile and a general understanding to "agree to disagree" were everpresent tools in his arsenal.

3. When life hands you lemons - make lemonade. One of the strongest character traits of my dad was his determination to move forward. He never sat and wallowed or complained about circumstances. That is not to say he wasn't angry or upset, but rather that he wouldn't let anything stop him from moving forward. At a particularly difficult time in his life when his career was in shambles, my dad just moved forward finding a way to still support our family (even digging ditches in hard manual labor at the age of 54 for a brief period). Nothing was beneath him to work to provide for our family and this determination actually resulted in a better circumstance that provided for his retirement.

4. Always say "I love you". This is a lesson my dad himself learned later in life. He was raised in a family that never much expressed physical emotions and so tender expressions were not something he was comfortable with. But God uniquely placed this "mans man" in a family of all women. This exposure brought out that tenderness that was buried deep inside and gradually wore down that gruff exterior. When I was in my early 40's at a cousin's funeral,my dad realized that he needed to tell us he loved us. From that day forward, my father never concluded a phone call or visit without a big "I LOVE YOU". It was like the flood gates had opened and he couldn't hold back.

5. The most important "sense" is your sense of humor. I think more than anything my father taught us to always, in any circumstances, be able to see the humor in life. That unique ability to view any life circumstance with an eye to the irony or humor is something I will cherish from my dad. There is nothing more valuable than laughter in life...

Thank you daddy for these lessons you have taught. I will miss you terribly but will be comforted knowing you will be in a better place.

I LOVE YOU!

A Mother's Heart

2010-05-08T08:46:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.

Recent events have pushed me this year to reflect more deeply on the strength and resiliancy required for a mother's heart. There is a unique bond between mother and child that can not be described to anyone who has not experienced carrying a life inside their body and then through the miracle of birth releasing them to the world. A mother's heartbeat through the gestation process provides the life source for this child, and once that cord is severed a mother's heart must beat differently - separately - but still in rhythm with that child's every need.

A mother's heart must be strong enough to absorb hurts and disappointments.

A mother's heart must be tender enough to provide mercy in times of pain.

A mother's heart must be resiliant enough to mend the breaks and tears of brokeness.

A mother's heart must be loving enough to withstand the storms of rebellion and still reach with outstretched arms.

A mother's heart must be patient enough to let each day stand for itself.

These past months my mother's heart has been through the wringer...and sometimes I have been afraid to see the "EKG" of that beat pattern. I imagine there have been moments of flatlines and other moments of erratic peaks. But through it all, I have felt God's presence, His special "love notes", his unique defibrillator that has placed my mother's heart back in rhythm.

This past week, as we reached the climax of a particularly difficult crisis with my son, I especially found that the Lord was sending messages through His Word. But what is most perplexing is that the scriptures I was lead to each day were not specifically for my mother's heart, but rather were perfect Word for my son. The irony - one of God's favorite tools I think - is that right now these words of scripture would not be "heard" in my son's own heart, so I must store them in my own for safekeeping. They are treasures that must be protected and released when they will arrive on fertile ground. So I am reminded of another mother, the most awesome earthly mother, who also kept special treasures stored in her heart for some future moment in time. Luke 2 v 10 tells us that after the shepherds came and told of their vision from the angels, Mary "treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."

I can relate to Mary on this Mother's Day...

Living In The Moment

2010-04-16T08:54:00.004-04:00

I am sitting in a strange time, sandwiched between a crisis of my father’s health and a crisis of my son’s poor decisions. Two opposite stages of life’s spectrum pushing at me as I am caught in the middle trying to be a good child and responsible parent at the same time.

God’s irony is not lost on me that my father and my son - who even have very similar dispositions – are leaning on each other during this time, mutually dependent for survival. I consider it a small blessing that my son is able right now to assist with the care of my father – and through this experience I am praying that my son will mature. So in this particular blessing I do see the handiwork of God, and I can feel the certainty that we are travelling in God’s greater story. As I reflect on this specific congruence of circumstances I have a glimpse of understanding that I must always be searching for where the connections are to God’s story rather than where He is connecting to mine.

Yesterday’s events gave me specific understanding of what “Living in the Moment” really means.

Having spent the morning with my father as we travelled to yet another doctor appointment, I noticed how my 89 year old father spends his “awake” time. Limited now to life in a wheelchair, with need of attendants for every human function, and suffering from dementia, it is difficult to imagine life from inside my dad’s psyche. This one-time “macho” man – policeman, sportsman, joke-telling Irishman- now spends his days barely speaking, mostly sleeping, and at the total mercy of those who care for him and their decisions for how he will spend his day.

Here is a survival tip I am learning from my dad – live only in the moment. Take each individual second and absorb it completely before it passes on.

I watched my father yesterday as we were seated in the waiting room, very attentively observing his surroundings, deeply concentrating on every printed poster, picture or person in his immediate surroundings. He was capturing the moments…not to store them for future reference, because the dementia has robbed him of that delight, but to live them for what they are in and of themselves. Fleeting moments that happen then move on. This morning I came to these words from Psalm 144 (v4) that seemed to capture my dad’s current state:

Man is like a breath;
His days are like a fleeting shadow

My dad has given me a glimpse of understanding of our positioning in God’s story.
Another shadow of learning came from the opposite side of the spectrum as I spent the afternoon in a different type of office with my son. As we work through a personal crisis of my son’s, a result of living too much in the moment without consideration of consequences or dangers, I see the second half of the equation.

While my father’s situation is like “breathing in” the moment, life requires a two-part action in order to survive. There is also the essential “breathing out” through our active responses to the moments of life. As we “breathe in”…observe and concentrate without taking for granted any of our surroundings…we must then “breathe out” in response to this glory we have observed. Our outward responses must be cognizant of the blessings we are surrounded with that impulsive and self serving actions can destroy.

So God, I thank you for this strange place you have placed me in to be able to observe and learn from these two men in my life. I am “breathing in” your glory and your love, working to absorb your wonder; and “breathing out” my amazement that even in these stressful circumstances you provide insight and comfort that “this too shall pass” in the fleeting shadow of life.

One day a great promise will be fulfilled with complete joy and understanding. Until that time I must continue “breathing in” and “breathing out” these moments of life.

Virtuoso Christian

2010-04-10T08:33:00.003-04:00

I am presently immersed in a book on spiritual reading by Eugene Peterson called "Eat This Book". It is a challenging foray into the world of scripture as the source of our energy - where we consume the Word and then allow it to work from the inside out as we integrate ourselves into God's story.

Peterson shares a quote from Frances Young's book Virtuoso Theology that has really stuck with me as a metaphor for my own life:

Everyone recognizes the difference between an accurate but wooden performance of say, Mozart's Violin Concerto No. 1, and a virtuoso performance by Yitzak Perlman. Perlman's performance is not distinguished merely by his technical skill in reproducing what Mozart composed; he wondrously enters into and conveys the spirit and energy - the "life"- of the score. Significantly he adds nothing to the score, neither "jot nor tittle".

What a perfect metaphor for what we aspire to as pilgrims - to become virtuoso performers of the Word. It is not enough to merely know the scripture, or be able to quote chapter and verse, or to be able to exegete with the original Hebrew or Greek, or to take time every day to read scripture as a discipline...while all of these are admirable accomplishments they are not what separates a virtuoso from a regular musician. A virtuoso can take the musical notes, absorb them into his soul, contemplate on them until they permeate his being and then pour them back out through his instrument in a way that others can embrace the joy and the satisfaction they feel when the notes touch their ears.

I want to one day be that virtuoso that others may be able to capture the joy and satisfaction of the love that fills my soul.

In Between Times

2010-04-03T08:06:00.006-04:00

Here I sit on the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday...

What does this day represent? It is a day with no special meaning on the Christian calendar and yet I think its very lack of identity or specialty speaks volumes to our mandate and what our own lives represent.

The first Christians spent this day within the confines of their religion. They honored the Sabbath. I imagine it was difficult to fully worship and honor God when they felt totally desolated by the loss of their hope for a saviour. The sense of abandonment that had to permeate their every thought. The roller coaster of emotions must have been churning through their bodies...despair, frustration, anger, grief, helplessness, guilt, fear, abandonment, resignation and maybe even bitterness...all these emotions tumbling over and over through their hearts.

But they responded to these emotions by returning to the basics of their faith. They honored God by honoring the Sabbath. They returned to what they did know - and this forced rest would require them to address these emotions within the the context of their relationship with Him. This special positioning of the Sabbath day in between Good Friday and Easter Sunday allowed God to once again take control of the "story". Honoring the Sabbath in the aftermath of the crucifixion required total submission to God and his authority.

So what does all this mean to me - an Easter Child?

As I sit here in my own "in between" time what can I learn from these first followers?

When I come to times of hopelessness or despair, I should return to my faith. I can employ the rhythm and ritual that has been created to embrace me and comfort me in difficult times. It is much better to practice the elements of my religion even when my heart might not be engaged, because the ritual will hold me tight within the shelter of His love. Rather than turning away or rejecting God, I should instead submit to Him and acknowledge His great authority.

As Christians we are all "in-between" times, living between the first and second coming of Christ. Our actions will reflect our attitudes and our hearts. Just as the first Christians outwardly expressed their submission to God by honoring the Sabbath after a devastating loss, we should be outwardly expressing our conviction that our individual stories are but a sentence of God's greater story - one that has a perfect and eternal happy ending.

Back to Work!

2009-10-25T06:55:00.002-04:00

As we are working through this study of the book of Esther, I have at times wondered why the title wasn't "Mordecai" instead - it seems that underlying all the action in this book is the character of Mordecai. He has provided the leadership example of someone who is secure in their relationship with God.

This is no small detail as we wonder about Mordecai's biography. He was completely raised outside the Hebrew culture - in captivity. While the traditions and beliefs would have been handed down to him, it would not have been in the same context as his ancestors since he was living in an alien land (by choice) and therefore was not surrounded by those of the same belief, but instead he daily worked and dealt with those who worshipped many other gods. In spite of these surroundings, Mordecai's faith was secure.

I marvel at the sequence of the events we have seen from the announcement of the decree in chapter 4 for the annihilation of the Jews. Mordecai's actions are a lesson to each of us on the stages of response as we release our tribulations to God's will.

First Mordecai dressed in sackcloth and begain weeping and mourning loudly in the streets. He was projecting his sorrow out as far as he could. He wanted to bring attention to God of his fears, worries and grief over what was to come. That is a proper response for any of us in times of hopelessness - we must bring these emotions out and present them to God.

But, it is the next actions that teach the most to me about faith. After he has advised Esther and hears her response, he goes from outward wailing to inner reflection with the three day fast and prayer. The fast, which would seem to be a physically weakening action actually serves as a strengthening agent. During this time of fast and prayer Esther wasn't the only one who received the inner fortitude to carry out God's plan. In chapter 6 we begin to see that Mordecai also has achieved an inner calm that allows him to flow within the Spirit to be carried through the circumstances.

Can't you just imagine his inner trembling when Haman brought the royal robes and horse to him? I wonder what his first thoughts were when he was told to put them on and get on the horse. We don't get to know specifically what he did, but I imagine that at this point he was fully relinquished to God's hand. I imagine that while he was paraded through the street with the chorus of "This is what is done for the man the king delights to honor", that Mordecai secretly in his heart received this as a sign from God that He had heard their plea and was working a plan for redemption to save the Jews from destruction. I am certain that Mordecai was humbled by the awareness of this awesome acknowledgement and would have been filled with a sudden calming spirit that allowed him to go right back to work at the kings gate as if nothing had happened...

What a lesson for me. Instead of presenting my prayers and concerns and then continuing to try to solve them myself, if I truly turn them over to His will I can just go on living my daily life with an eye out for how God is responding. Rather than force the actions I should sit back and receive them. Flowing instead of forcing. Trusting instead of worrying.

Who Knows?

2009-10-12T07:50:00.004-04:00

DESTINY

Seven small letters forming a word with such huge impact.

Destiny is a scary word. It implies greatness and helplessness at the same time.
To me, destiny is associated with significance. To fulfill a destiny, to follow a destiny, to be "destined" to be part of something has always implied an action within an event of such magnitude that only God could have mandated the circumstances. Destiny requires big decisions - major crossroads, and complete releasing of self into the winds of circumstance (or the Spirit of God).

Destiny is something that real important people come to realize - but maybe not the average, everyday, middle class citizen - right? Not so sure about that...

I like the word PURPOSE better than destiny. It fits my lifestyle more. It is not such a scary, weighty, intimidating word. When I think of finding my purpose, it implies to me that I have found what I am supposed to be working on (or in), my purpose is my reason I am here - and for some reason I can relate much more in my daily living to a "purpose" than to a "destiny". Perhaps because daily living in a purposeful life still requires that I have input, I make choices, I have more control (and as a "Type A" that is a big factor). With destiny - it seems that the control has been handed over completely to God, and so with destiny,in my mind, we are working on something either bigger than life or concluding the purpose of life.

But maybe I am wrong about destiny - and who it applies to. Maybe each of us, the great and the not so great, have a destiny. It doesn't have to be something that becomes world renowned, heroic, or of giant magnitude. Maybe it is just a simple gesture or act of kindness - or maybe that I listen carefully each day for that pressing on my heart so I can be a small tooth on the giant gear of life that continues the momentum of the church in mission. Maybe that is destiny too.

I am always amazed when there are serendipitous moments in my life. I attribute them to the Spirit, and sometimes I see God smiling down because He knows I just need a little extra help getting the point ;-) but in my morning time I work through two different devotion books and here are the excerpts from October 10:

"We need to find our place in God's purpose, receptive and open to His direction and inspiration; and all creation waits as it were on tiptoe in excited anticipation of what can happen if we assume the destiny for which we were created, and stand as 'sons of God'. We become 'Christ carriers'. (From "Aiden Readings: October 10" from the book "Celtic Daily Prayer")

Ezekiel 37:14 - I will put my spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it declares the Lord

"The ability to let go, to abandon oneself in faith and obedience, creates a heart that is docile and humble. Both notions are fairly foreign to our independent, stubborn, self reliant spirits. Both virtues are fairly absent in our assertive, self-confident, self-indulgent circles. But uncovering their meaning and their message to us twentieth century Christians is crucial for a spirituality of our times." From "Every Bush is Burning" by John Puls

So I have been given much to ponder...I don't find it any small coincidence that these quotes were delivered during the same week I am studying about DESTINY in the book of Esther.

A Broad Brush

2009-10-02T20:37:00.003-04:00

All day today I have been contemplating this statement from Beth Moore:

"God calls us by name. Satan and his hordes see us as numbers."

WOW. That single statement can be applied to a lot of issues in our contemporary society. Isn't this exactly part of the problem in America today? Mass generalizations made, painting people with broad brush strokes of assumptions without recognizing individuals? Doesn't it seem that we categorize people first, make judgements on what they represent and decide whether we will like them or not based on what box we have placed them in?

That is how to whip a frenzy, that is how to create dissension, that is how to accelerate hatred and meanness, by eliminating the personal stories. By painting a group of people with broad brush strokes of stereotypical fodder we force our own preconceived image of their motivations and opinions without giving them benefit of providing unweighted input. This is why there is so much anger and vehemence rising in the public dialog in our country.

And that is SO NOT Jesus' way is it...throughout the gospels we see that Jesus works one on one. He listens individually to each persons story. He responds individually to each of their needs. One-on-one. That is the way to the truth and to true relationship.

It is easy to get caught up in painting with broad brush strokes. Personal relationship takes so much time and intention - are we working this essential out of our society by our very "business"? Can we get it back before it is too late? When was the last time I just chucked my "to do list" and called a friend to sit down for a chat - no purpose, no agenda, no special reason...just to visit. Better yet, when have I ever attempted to do the same with someone I perhaps didn't agree with philosophically or politically in order to really hear their point of view? It is something I think I need to ponder and pray over.

Circles of Influence

2009-09-26T10:11:00.005-04:00

Much of my reflection time this week has concentrated on the uncanny correlation between this Bible study of Esther and the sermon series at church.

The first two chapters of Esther provide very concrete evidence of the importance of our circle of influence in our lives. Xerxes is a perfect example of the dangers of surrounding ourselves ONLY with those who think the exact same as we do. Our very humanness requires that we continue to challenge our thoughts and also our convictions.

So - first the lesson from Xerxes as I see it...

Chapter 2 of Esther begins: "Later when the anger of King Xerxes had subsided, he remembered Vashti and what she had done and what he had decreed about her." With the knowledge of context that Beth Moore has provided, this scripture TAKES ON A WHOLE NEW MEANING from what would be inferred if we just read the scripture as a continuance from the conclusion of Chapter 1.

When taken in the context of history, we realize that "Later" was FOUR YEARS LATER, and the "anger of King Xerxes" may also have been referring to the results of 4 failed conquests of the King into the surrounding Greek empire. The entire purpose of the King in Chapter 1 was to not only display his power to all, but to gather them in to support his efforts to expand the empire. We know from Chapter 1 that he had surrounded himself with "yes men", trusted advisors who pumped up his ego and always wanted to make him happy. That is a huge danger, especially when in a position of leadership. So note in Chapter 1 - who was the only person who didn't do this? Queen Vashti! She "refused" to come when beckoned. We never really know why, but now in Chapter 2 perhaps we have another clue. Four years down the road, King Xerxes "remembered what she had done and what he had decreed about her" I actually think the second part of the scripture is more signficant - and offer a contrarian interpretation of the first part. Perhaps what King Xerxes was "remembering" was that Queen Vashti had been the only one in his life that dared to challenge his thoughts and whims. Perhaps he was slowly realizing that he needed someone around who questioned him rather than blindly following and supporting him. These significant failures needed someone to blame and he didn't have anyone around him to lay blame on except himself...dangerous situation for someone with such ego.
And since he was "remembering what he had decreed" he also realized that he lost the resource of bringing her wisdom back to the picture. He had no advisor who would be honest and provide necessary challenges to work through his wacky ideas.

Instead of wise council, Xerxes has his "seven dwarfs" who are continuously working to keep him happy. What a disservice - but totally understandable from a survival perspective. If they allowed the king to be unhappy too long, his ego would require that he find someone to blame and they would not want it to be themselves!! So of course right away they suggest he find a replacement. What a great diversionary tactic! I can imagine the seven nobles in their private time coming up with this idea. Let's get him a queen, let's keep him occupied with the "try-outs" as long as we can to stop this other nonsense of going to war...

How perfect! Keep the king occupied with checking out beautiful virgin after virgin.,,sort of "The Bachelor" on steroids!!! I am sure that in all this ego feeding frenzy of working through the virgins, someone else would be left to running the empire -and I am quite certain those seven nobles were working hard on that.

Xerxes need for his ego to be fed, to be constantly confirmed in his convictions, to be reminded how powerful he was, was actually depleting his power instead.

Now - how do I apply this to myself?

Well, as a type "A" personality, I too suffer from the need to be challenged, to be questioned, to be forced to dig deeper into my motives and actions. On a very personal level, this issue is at work in my family as we deal with the issues surrounding my parents. While one sister is challenging what we are doing, do I personally consider her objections or do I just blindly discount them because they oppose my own convictions. Is there truth that I might miss by not listening critically to what she has to say?

How about within my church?

I think that as a church, especially one as large as LFC, we can also become complacent, satisfied with the status quo, not questioning our own actions. This particular challenge was brought home to me this very week. I was blessed with meeting a woman who came from very far away (across an ocean and much of western Europe) to explore a conviction in her heart that an area in OUR VERY BACKYARD was in need of the HOPE of Christ. She wants to begin a mission in a trailer park right down the street from our church. How is it that someone from 6000 miles away can see a need in our very neighborhood? Here is her video:

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Now the challenge to LFC (and me personally), is how to respond to this questioning of ourselves. Will we discount her because she is not from within? Will we determine it is not our call and send her off? Will we reject her mission because it is not grand enough or romantic enough? Or will we take seriously the challenge presented, prayerfully request discernment and respond to the call within our community? I would like to hope that as a church we will not be like Xerxes and only listen to our own egos.

Once Upon A Time...

2009-09-18T21:37:00.003-04:00

Life comes at you hard sometimes - and the past few months have been one of those times for me. So imagine my joy with the special gift of the book of Esther. A cuddly fairy tale located smack dab in the middle of the Bible! I have been reading this book while carrying the mental image of sitting in my dad's lap, with my head on his shoulder - a child again - just resting in his embrace, secure in the knowledge that I don't have to carry the world on my own shoulders. A good story always helped me sleep at night as a child and it is no different with this special scripture tale!

Chapter 1 has all the necessary elements of a traditional tale - there is a king, a queen and a magnificent palace. I can't quite categorize Queen Vashti yet - is she a good queen or an evil queen? What was she thinking by refusing to come when the king beckoned her? That would be a daring act even by today's standards! She is lucky to remain alive with that insubordination. I wonder why she did that?

HOPE

2009-07-17T07:57:00.006-04:00

HOPE is a popular word these days. It was the centerpiece of a successful presidential campaign, it was the catch phrase in a recent book I read by N. T. Wright "Surprised by Hope", the potential for hope or lack of hope seems to be the common thread through all our public discourse. What will bring hope to an economic situation, how can we alleviate hopelessness in a personal crisis, where is the hope...

This week we were asked to reflect on our own hope as Christians - what is the reason for my hope? I have been contemplating that a lot this week, my hope, and have found this to be a difficult task to really define specifically as it relates to my personal faith.

I think there is a huge difference between hoping for something and hoping in something. But somehow both phrases complete each other as it relates to my faith. I HOPE IN Christ to love me, forgive me, help me, strengthen me, guide me, carry me through, teach me, and complete me. I HOPE FOR happiness, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness and most of all peace in my own life and in this world. In other words, through my trust IN Christ, I might receive the fruits of the Spirit and might also contribute to that fruit within this world.

Hope is defined as:

hope (hp)
v. hoped, hop·ing, hopes
v.intr.
1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.

I believe those two definitions together cover my own reflection on what hope is to me. As a Christ follower, each day I must place my confidence and trust IN Christ. This essential daily releasing then provides the possibility to "wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment". The SOMETHING being the key element in Christian hope. This SOMETHING to me represents the reconciliation of our world in its fallen state to the ultimate vision of God's promise of a kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven.. That is my SOMETHING. That one day, this world will return to the Garden. That the pages between Genesis 1 and Revelation 22 will be completed and God in full Trinity will be with us.

This is the Gospel - that the reconcilliation is in progress and that one day it will be complete and that the doorway to this kingdom comes through Jesus Christ. He is the promise, He is the HOPE, He is the ONLY WAY to this paradise. It is the constant promise through scripture for thousands of years.

Just this morning in my quiet time I was lead to this scripture from Jeremiah (emphasis mine):

31 "The time is coming," declares the LORD,
"when I will make a new covenant
with the house of Israel
and with the house of Judah.

32 It will not be like the covenant
I made with their forefathers
when I took them by the hand
to lead them out of Egypt,
because they broke my covenant,
though I was a husband to [a] them, [b] "
declares the LORD.

33 "This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel
after that time," declares the LORD.
"I will put my law in their minds
and write it on their hearts.
I will be their God,
and they will be my people.

34 No longer will a man teach his neighbor,
or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the LORD,'
because they will all know me,
from the least of them to the greatest,"
declares the LORD.
"For I will forgive their wickedness
and will remember their sins no more."

Thousands of years ago, God shared his vision of the final days - that one day "they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest". This is our hope, and this defines our purpose. To live our lives each day in confidence and trust that through Jesus we will be part of the kingdom where ALL will know God from the least to the greatest, and this is what we wish for with "expectation of it's fulfillment".

That is my hope

Wild Abandon

2009-06-16T21:36:00.004-04:00

The other morning during my quiet time, the selected reading from my devotional book was this:

Father, I abandon mmyself
into Your hands.
Do with me what You will,
whatever You do, I will thank You,
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only Your will be done in me,
as in all Your creatures,
and I'll ask nothing else, my Lord.

Into Your hands I commend my spirit;
I give it to You
with all the love of my heart,
for I love You, Lord,
and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into Your hands
with a trust beyond all mesure,
because You are my Father.

Charles de Foucauld

I realized as I read the words that they were empty and hollow sounding coming from my own mouth. I could read them, but I knew that my heart was not engaged in the meaning. I am not yet capable of that complete release, and I am not quite certain exactly what is holding me back. Is it pride? Is it fear? Maybe a little of both?

One of my breakthrough moments of faith came several years ago when I removed God from his "superman" uniform and realized that He was not to be reserved for big emergencies, but that He was a jealous God and wanted to be involved in all parts of my life. I still get that - and this might sound silly, but I have no problem allowing God in all parts of my life - as long as it remains MY LIFE. But to now sit and say that I totally abandon myself and my life to Him...well that is a very scary proposition. I am not quite ready to say that "I am ready for it all" and I am especially not prepared to say "I'll ask nothing else"...and yet I am fully aware that this commitment is what I am working towards as I continue this pilgrimmage. The journey is the destination (or something like that). Each day a little more of my "self" is chisled and chipped away and I will know that I am close to arriving when I can read those words with full engagement of my heart and my mind.

It's all GREEK to me...

2009-05-28T23:20:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I think we are at an extreme disadvantage with English as a native language. There are just not enough words to accurately express our emotions or feelings.

Joy is one of these words that English just doesn't do justice.

I have always equated joy with happiness or excitement. It is sort of a verb/adjective - joy has always been an action word for me.

But Chara joy is something more than this. It is a sustaining feeling that is continuous and not dependent on circumstances (like happiness or gladness which are fleeting and definitely circumstantial).

Chara is what Jesus was talking about in John 15:11 when he said "my JOY will be in you and your JOY will be complete".

I want that Chara joy - that sustaining, underlying, always there in every circumstance joy. When observed in others, Chara is a glowing presence, a serenity that can't be shaken, a "knowing" that comforts just by being near. That is what I desire - that total completeness.

Sometimes I feel that I have captured glimpses or snatches of Chara...these are times of "soaring" for me; brief expanses of abandonment when I feel totally carried by the spirit. During these experiences I feel closer to God, I see Him everywhere, I wake up with a song in my head and throughout the day will feel a calm contentment with my life - and also excitement when I capture a glimpse of insight or acknowledgement that He is near. But for me, these special times are not long enough or full enough. Somehow LIFE gets in the way - distractions remove me from the center, I become "disconnected". It is a constant struggle to get back to the source and connection. Why does it have to be this way? Why must I feel incomplete?

I have always loved Isaiah 40:31 "...they will soar on whings like eagles..." this scripture so perfectly captures my soaring Chara times. Just like the eagle stretches its wings and floats on the warm air currents, so do I spread my wings and lean out to be carried by the Spirit and soar.

Soaring like an eagle gives perspective. It allows us to remove ourselves to a height that gives us access to the bigger picture - to see outside ourselves to the greater plan. It is restful, it is exhilarating, it is beautiful...but eventually it must come to an end - and generally we are left on a high precipice where we wait patiently (or maybe impatiently) for the next current.

Waiting on that precipice is the hard part. It is isolating. I can only assume that times on that ledge are meant for us to do some introspection and evaluation - to prepare for the next gliding experience.

This year Lent was a soaring experience for me and now I sit on a precipice, feeling anxious and ready to leap onto that current again...

You look like a Christian

2009-05-06T22:11:00.002-04:00

I had an interesting experience last Friday evening when I attended a solidarity rally for the homeless in our city. I had been standing on a hillside listening to the speakers on the stage when a man came up to me and asked me if I had a cigarette I could sell him. I explained I didn't smoke and he had just started to move on when another homeless man came walking toward us. The man who had approached me turned to this new person and asked him for a cigarette. This time he was in luck, the new gentleman had just brought a new pack. They made their exchange and just as the man with the cigarettes was ready to move on he offered me a cigarette also. I explained that I didn't smoke and this man said the strangest thing. He said "I wasn't sure if you were with him - I thought you looked like a Christian."

Now this may seem like an innocent exchange - but for the past few days that comment has really stuck with me. "I thought you looked like a Christian..." What does a Christian look like? I hope his opinion wasn't based on my outside appearance. Quite frankly I was not at my best - no makeup, old jeans and a T-shirt, and I am pretty sure I looked tired from a long day at the office. To be honest, I probably looked more like one of the homeless I was there to support. So what made him think I was a Christian? Our conversation consisted of about 10 words total - no time to interpret my beliefs or witness any behaviour. So what could it have possibly been that allowed him to make that assumption? Surely it wasn't just the fact that I didn't smoke...

Easter People...

2009-04-26T08:38:00.003-04:00

This past Lent/Easter season has been a deepening journey for me. I have been trying to find the best way to describe what I have experienced these past 8 weeks and "deepening" is the closest I can come to the right word.

For the first time in my life, I spent Lent in an authentic seeking posture - diligently seeking Him through a personal revival study, experiencing the "pulling off and putting on" of Lent observance and even submitting to my first complete Fast in an effort to relate on a personal level to the suffering of Christ as well as my dependence on The Word and The Spirit. All of this effort is pushing me to a new and deeper level of faith - I am diving deeper into the depths of faith, no longer treading water on the surface.

So - now that Easter has passed, and we have joyously celebrated the GOOD NEWS! - I am meditating on what that really means for me as I move past the resurrection to the purpose and mission I am called to. What exactly is the GOOD NEWS? What is the "after Easter" story? Where do I go from here????

Well, another little aspect of my Lent experience came from a book by N.T. Wright called "Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church". On one hand I believe this has been most appropriate reading during the Lenten season, but on the other hand, the message of the book has really forced me to rethink all I have been taught culturally as an American Christian - and urged me in these new depths of water that I am swimming in to view the surroundings through a new lens, to re-read the Gospel with new perspective, to question and glory in these new surroundings and to come to an understanding of true purpose. This quote from the end of Chapter 14 in this book sums up my current state of being so well I must share it as the conclusion of this post:

What we all need from time to time is for someone...to say, "It's time to wake up! You've been asleep long enough! The sun is shining and there's a wonderful day out there! Wake up and get a life!"
The message of Easter, then, is neither that God once did a spectacular miracle but then decided not to do many others nor that there is a blissful life after death to look forward to. The message of Easter is that God's new world has been unveiled in Jesus Christ and that you're now invited to belong to it. And precisely because the resurrection was and is bodily, albeit with a transformed body, the power of Easter to transform and heal the present world must be put into effect both at the macrolevel, in applying the gospel to the major problems of the world...and to the intimate details of our daily lives. Christian holiness consists not of trying as hard as we can to be good but of learning to live in the new world created by Easter, the new world we publicly entered in our baptism. There are many parts of the world we can't do anything about except pray. But there is one part of the world, one part of physical reality, that we can do something about, and that is the creature each of us calls "myself." Personal holiness and global holiness belong together. Those who wake up to the one may well find themselves called to wake up to the other as well.

First Fast

2009-04-12T17:42:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, in observance of the time between Good Friday and Easter Sunday, I committed to a Fast.

I have never done a Fast before - food is one of my favorite things! But this past Lent has been the first time I truly observed many of the spiritual disciplines, and so I thought I should also explore what this Fasting was all about.

In my reading and talking to other Christians who are much more spiritually developed than me, I would hear them say they would fast and pray over a decision - and quite frankly, I just didn't get how fasting would bring me closer to an understanding of anything besides how hungry I was....

So, with mixed emotions on Friday evening, I officially limited myself to water (plus 2 cups of morning coffee on Saturday).

Beginning the day with my normal quiet time, I came across a wonderful quote in the book "A Guide to Prayer for All God's People". This particular reading came from "From Radiance of the Inner Splendor" by Lloyd John Ogilvie (emphasis mine)

Let me risk a description of what has been the experience of some of us at Lent. When we say that Christ pervades all aspects of our human nature, it does not mean that he effects a takeover of our will. He did not do that before we became his children' he does not do it now. It does mean that we set our hearts in the direction of what we know to be God's heart in the matter - and begin to model our behaviour in that direction - the Spirit within immediately reinforces our finite strength with infinite strength. The synthesis is so smooth. It is sometimes impossible to tell where our strength ends and his begins.

That quote was perfect to assist me for this Fast. To think of the Spirit, melding its infinite strength with my finite strength to get me through this fast...I drew on that many times through the day.

But the true spiritual aspect of my Fast didn't really occur until about 1:00 am - when I woke up from sleep so TERRIBLY HUNGRY. I was laying there debating with myself whether I could continue all the way till morning. Even justifying how I could break fast since it was technically Easter since it was after midnight! When you are drowsy, and food deprived, it is easy to lose that finite strength and time to dip into that infinite strength of the Spirit.

So there I was having argument with myself (and about to lose the battle), when for some reason a song we sing in church just entered my head. "Our strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord". I kept hearing this verse over and over and was then reminded about the words that morning of the Spirit and its strength. And suddenly I became like a little child covering their ears singing "la la la" when they don't want to listen. With the aid of this song verse I could block out the tempting calls from my kitchen. I was going to win this battle over my hunger! I made it through that temptation with the help of the Spirit - of that I am certain. Perhaps one day when I am more spiritually developed, I can battle back temptation with scripture instead of a song :)

After that mini skirmish with my will, I was able to return to slumber and didn't wake up until 6:00 am - where I very appreciatively broke fast.

Now on the backside of this Fast - I have a much deeper understanding of how it can draw you into a deeper relationship and can give special meaning in discernment and prayer, but I think it is a discipline to be reserved for special circumstances.

One Of The Crowd

2009-04-05T18:23:00.003-04:00

I was delivered an unexpected one-two punch today during Palm Sunday worship. Obviously not the normal reaction one might expect to be the result of worship - especially on a special holy day like Palm Sunday, but none the less, there I was pushed into a area of revelation that made me extremely uncomfortable. So much so, that it has been consuming my thoughts ever since I left church today.

As far as the service itself - well it was phenomenal (not an unusual happening at a church that literally swells with creative talent). And perhaps it was that very creative, unique combination of artistic and scriptural reflection that sent me to a new place in my heart.

Of course LFC in it's quirky, non-traditional norm, celebrated Palm Sunday with a Christmas carol - and maybe that is what set me up for my revelation. We sang "Joy To The World", one of my most favorite Christmas carols. Singing that Christmas carol really set me in the happy, joyous frame of mind. I could relate to the Jews who centuries ago laid their garment down on the ground welcoming their King into the city of Jerusalem. Joy to the world, the Lord is come!!! He is here! He is the Messiah!! I could really relate to those people and their excitement. I absolutely LOVED that we were singing a Christmas song at Easter time. It sort of brought the whole story together....

So there I sat in worship, at a peak of excitement, feeling the joy in my heart that a saviour had come, my saviour, our saviour....

Then we heard The Word. The story of Jesus last day. From his time in the garden and through his trials until he was condemned to be crucified. And that is exactly when I was struck with a blow so hard to my psyche that it was difficult to concentrate for a little while after.

The Word was presented to us through artistic narration. A series of readers presented the Word to us in a way that we could feel a part of the action. As the voice changed in the story, so did the narrator - which had the effect of drawing us, the audience, into the story as though we were living within it ourselves. I was caught up in the action as Jesus was taken from the garden and brought before Pontius Pilate. I could understand Pilate's political prowess as he presented two "Jesus" to the crowd - Jesus Barabbas and Jesus Christ. He would let the crowd make that decision, so there would not be any repercussions on him later.

It is at this very moment that I reached a pinnacle of understanding. As part of the presentation of the Word, the "crowd" voices actually cried out from all over our congregation "Crucify Him" over and over again "CRUCIFY HIM". It stunned me - to realize that I was part of that crowd. That same crowd that welcomed Jesus with joy and royal welcome was now demanding he be crucified. I had never in my life related myself to being part of that crowd...

In all my years of celebrating Easter, I have always sort of thought of the crowd in the Easter story as "those people" - they didn't know better, they didn't believe, they didn't realize who he was, they, they, they. But that crowd shouted out from within us..... that crowd is us..... I am part of that crowd.

Whoa - step back - that is not a thought for Palm Sunday....that is a deep, dark, lurking sort of thought. This is not "happy, slappy, clappy" church thinking. This is not love God, love Jesus, love everyone sort of "Christian" thinking. This isn't the type of thoughts you want to work through when you are planning to color Easter eggs and set out the baskets of candy. But it is what it is - and this is where I am.

I am one of the crowd.

And now that I have entered this passage of darkness, darker than any thought I have ever had or expressed before, I realize that this darkness is necessary for true understanding of The Cross and The Resurrection.

In my previous post I shared the revelation that I finally grasped that Jesus literally had lived the Jewish history and that his body literally served as a sacrifice for all they had experienced as a nation. But as a non-Jew, how does that relate to me?

It is through this crowd that I understand that Jesus died for me too. "Forgive them, for they know not what they do" - that covers me too.

I am one of the crowd.

As Christians, we are charged to be the light of the world. We can't be a light unless we understand the darkness.

I came to know a part of the darkness today - for which I am grateful, and because of which my understanding of Easter has much greater depth and meaning. This last week of Lent will be a time to work through this new understanding, to travel through the darkness without fear, but with faith - that at the end of this week I will see The Light, The Promise and The Hope of Easter.

The Word became flesh...

2009-03-23T07:19:00.005-04:00

I have to admit that most of my life I have struggled with the first chapter of the Gospel of John. I am not a big one for poetry - though I LOVE music - and so the whole first chapter of John did not make much sense to me. I never really understood what point John was bringing us to. I mean I understand that John was connecting Jesus as the son of God and that He was the light bringing us out of darkness. I have always been able to wrap my mind around that...but I never got all the references to "the Word" - that is until I read this lovely book "Becoming the Answer to Our Prayers" by Shane Claiborne and Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove.

Don't you just love light-bulb moments? Well I had a big spotlight of a light bulb moment when I read the following:

"The history of God's people all leads up to the life of
this one Jew, Jesus Christ.

Matthew goes on to make his point by emphasizing the
similarities between Jesus' life and the history of Israel. Just like the
Hebrew children were killed by Pharaoh, the children in Bethlehem are killed by
Herod when Jesus is born. And just as Joseph and all Israel with him had
to flee into Egypt to survive, so too does Jesus go to Egypt to wait out the
reign of Herod. Like Israel, Jesus passes through the waters in baptism
and wanders in the wilderness (in his case, only forty days). He emerges
to call twelve disciples, like the twelve tribes of Israel. And when Jesus
begins to teach the law in Matthew 5, he goes up on a mountain. Anyone
remember a story about the law coming down from a mountain?

So Jesus came into the world as a Jew, retelling the story of God's people in his own body."

Now it makes sense!!! And the Easter Story has so much more impact. When Jesus was crucified on the cross, His body represented the entire people - it had literally lived their history. The connection between the Old and New Testaments is captured through this wondrous connection and the Cross and what it represents has deeper meaning for me. The foreshadowing of the Old Testament prophets, the stories of Jesus ministry and the words of the Apostles all take on new meaning with this deeper understanding of what Jesus represented in sacrifice.

I love reading the Word through this new lens...

Obligation or Obedience?

2009-03-02T09:01:00.002-05:00

I have been struggling alot the past week on the difference between living life with "The Law" and living life with Obedience.

In my small group study, we have been really camped in the concept of Grace, and living life not concentrating on the law, but pointing our focus on Christ. I get that...in my head...but where I struggle is when I check the motivations of my heart.

This week in the Seeking Him study, the lesson was on Obedience: the Acid Test of Love. So between my women's study, my small group discussions and all this focus on Lent - I am struggling with motivations of my heart. Am I practicing my disciplines as an act of obligation or out of obedience? I think there is a difference. I was struck by this quote from the Seeking Him study: "Before we ever try to give or do anything for God, His primary concern is for us to be right with Him."

When I check the definitions of obligation and obedience this subtle difference continues to play out.

First the definition of OBLIGATED:

1 : to bind legally or morally : constrain
2 : to commit (as funds) to meet an obligation

To further understand - here is the definition of CONSTRAIN:

1 a: to force by imposed stricture, restriction, or limitation b: to restrict the motion of (a mechanical body) to a particular mode
2: compress ; also : to clasp tightly
3: to secure by or as if by bonds : confine ; broadly : limit
4: to force or produce in an unnatural or strained manner
5: to hold back by or as if by force

So to act out of obligation, we are constrained (or forced, restricted, bound, or especially number 4 - acting in an unnatural or strained manner). Our actions are not natural, but rather against our normal nature.

Now obedience is a little different:

1 a: an act or instance of obeying b: the quality or state of being obedient
2: a sphere of jurisdiction ; especially : an ecclesiastical or sometimes secular dominion

When I think of obedience, I automatically think of a dog responding to it's Master. It is a natural and instinctual reaction as a response to the one in authority. Obedience comes from within, and is a part of our normal nature. With obedience, we lean into that which we already know and understand.

We can be obedient, because the Word resides in us through the Holy Spirit. We are not obligated by external constraints, but rather obeying because of a natural reaction of our hearts. Jesus tells us this with his promise in John 14:16-21

And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be[a] in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

Once again, the difference comes back to "self". Obedience requires love and faith. It requires acting without thinking (instinct). Obligation on the other hand comes from a struggle of power and is not a natural response, or a loving response, but rather a response that still feeds to pride and personal image.

This period of Lent is a time to work on that loving relationship, to bond with Jesus so that the outward flow of my actions will be natural obedience.

Great River of Prayer

2009-02-28T20:06:00.004-05:00

I came across the quote below tonight in the book "In Constant Prayer" by Robert Benson, and just wanted to share...

In the early days and years of the monastic traditions, as more and more communities began to spread across the desert and into Europe, such communities were often built in proximity to one another.

One of the notions they held dear was that one community's prayer was beginning just as another's was ending. The goal was to ensure that there were no hours of the day when the prayer that sanctifies the day was not being offered. There were no minutes on God's good earth when the One who made it was not being worshiped and praised.

For thousands of years, the people of Yahweh-the children of Abraham and the followers of Moses and all those who waited for the Messiah to come-offered their praise and worship to God in offices of prayer that were much like the ones that have been passed down to us. Then came the first Christians, those astonished first ones, whose heritage was Jewish and whose practice of daily prayer and daily worship was shaped by what they had learned as the faithful people of Yahweh, who was even more worthy of devotion now that the Messiah had come.

Then the Gentiles, who learned the practice of the life of the devout from Jewish Christians, took up the mantle of saying the prayers. Then the desert fathers and mothers, the people of the Church of the Middle Ages, and the people of the Reformation all took their places in the line of the faithful followers. Together they formed a great river of prayer that has rolled across the centuries, offered by the unknown and unseen saints, a great river of prayer that sustained the Church....

...And now it is our turn

The BE attitudes

2009-02-05T22:16:00.008-05:00

For several years now I have been working with a theology espoused by Clarence Jordan

It was Jordan's belief that Jesus gives us all instruction on HOW to follow him in Matthew 5, 6 and 7. In particular, Jesus gave us the Beatitudes in a specific order as the necessary steps in the ladder of faith.

Now this theory really caught my imagination, and so I have been using the beatitudes as my own barometer on where I am in this pilgrimmage. Often at different crossroads or events in my life I will pull out the Beatitudes and see if I can pinpoint which step in the ladder I am working on.

Well, as we have been working through the Seeking Him study and participate in this personal revival, once again I see a reflection of Jordan's theory at work.

These first weeks as we have been digging through the dirt of our lives, plowing and tilling our soil to prepare for the seeds of Grace, I can see that Jesus prepared us for this process with the beatitudes. The first three steps in Jesus ladder are painful, gut wrenching, self effacing, but without them our hearts are not ready to perform at the levels we can achieve as we continue climbing.

Jesus calls to the Poor in Spirit, Mourning, Meek - Our revival calls us to be Humble, Honest, Repentent

The synergy is amazing

In all honesty

2009-01-29T22:32:00.005-05:00

For the past few months I have been working through a pretty big issue with my son. Unfortunately, our issue was further exacerbated by the fact that he was not being honest with me - and I knew it. So for the past 6 weeks I have been giving him opportunities to come clean, secretly begging him to tell me the truth I knew was out there just waiting to come forward. You see, I knew we could not really resolve his problem until we got all the way down to the truth and started to build from there.

My son's problem was that he didn't want to admit a mistake - so in his efforts to hide his error, he actually further complicated the whole situation and the resolution will be much more difficult and time consuming. IF HE HAD ONLY ADMITTED IT WHEN IT HAPPENED INSTEAD OF TRYING TO HIDE IT FROM ME!

What could he have been fearing? Why was he afraid to let me know? How could he have possibly thought that lying about his situation and delaying his "confession" to me could have served any good purpose?

But isn't that what we do ourselves with our own relationship with God? Don't we delay admitting to him with full disclosure what we have done and why we have done it? Isn't it easier to either pretend we have done nothing wrong - or worse yet, try to fix it ourselves? And there sits God, just waiting for us to come to our senses. And when we are finally at our last resort, when we understand we can't hide anymore, when we finally realize our problem is much bigger than ourselves, when we ultimately turn to God and admit what we have done - He is right there for us! It is not that we won't have to bear the consequences of our actions, but at least that anxiety of being revealed is no longer separating us from Him. We can finally stop hiding and get to work - moving forward with Him, not by ourselves.

Tonight, after my little tirade was over and we sat down and had honest discussion, my son and I were once again reconciled in our relationship. It is my hope that his lesson learned is that my love is so unwavering, that even when the difficult and painful truth must be dealt with - the underpinning of love will transcend all, and that maybe the next time he will feel comfortable enough to admit his mistakes before they become tragic errors.

I imagine God has the same desire for me.

Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble

2009-01-22T22:24:00.002-05:00

God is pretty clear in his word about his opinion of pride.

Leviticus 26:19
I will break down your stubborn pride and make the sky above you like iron and the ground beneath you like bronze.

2 Chronicles 26:16
But after Uzziah became powerful, his pride led to his downfall. He was unfaithful to the LORD his God, and entered the temple of the LORD to burn incense on the altar of incense.

Psalm 10:4
In his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God.

Proverbs 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.

Proverbs 13:10
Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.

Proverbs 29:23
A man's pride brings him low, but a man of lowly spirit gains honor.

Isaiah 2:17
The arrogance of man will be brought low and the pride of men humbled; the LORD alone will be exalted in that day,

Pride keeps us from right relationship with God.

It is not surprising to me that the first people Jesus chose to bless in his beatitudes were the poor in spirit, because without humility, we won't approach God with fully open arms. That first step towards Him must be one of humility - because if we keep back that smidgen of pride, we will always be in competition with God, trying to prove ourselves, or gain for ourselves, or keep for ourselves, or position ourselves.

Yet - humility is not valued here in our country. We are told to "climb the corporate ladder", take care of our family, strive for the American Dream, build our fortunes. All the values of our culture require some form of pride in our character.

So, is there an acceptable level of pride in our hearts? Can we grow in relationship with God and still have some level of pride in ourselves?

Revival

2009-01-18T23:33:00.002-05:00

To my mind, revival has always implied lots of energy, motivation, getting something to start moving. I have often pictured those difibrillators sending a surge of energy to restart the heart, bringing someone from flatline to a full beat.
Revival is a burst of energy, a "jump start" for a dead battery. It implies bringing back to life.

But these pictures I had in my mind are not fair assessments of true revival. My examples of defibrillators or jump start of a battery only require short, limited release of energy and do not require on-going connection to the source of the energy. I have to completely rethink and relearn my understanding of what true revival is.

Scripturally, God views revival as a groundbreaking beginning to growing a garden. He is intent on creating a soul that will bear fruit - and that requires much more than a quick burst of energy.

In Gods plan, revival is the breaking of the fallow land - land that had once been productive, but for one reason or another had gone to waste and become crusty, hard and full of rocks and stones. Fallow land requires lots of energy to revive. Combinations of pick-axes and shovels are needed to loosen the soil and remove any large rocks that have taken residence. This is a time-consuming process, not a quick fix.

Why is it so easy to slip into a "fallow" lifestyle - and why must it require such energy to create and maintain good productive soil?

A dent and a difference

2009-01-14T07:44:00.017-05:00

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I have not been writing for several days because I am still "camping out" in Psalm 107. As with all scripture, this particular Psalm has several layers to peel away - and I am just beginning! But as usual, when God places you in a certain part of His word it begins to infiltrate the air around you and affects your vision of the surroundings. Such was my experience this past few days, especially when I watched the above story on 60 Minutes.

Psalm 107 paints a picture of people in all manners of distress. What is similar in all their circumstances is that at some point they cry out to the Lord in their trouble and he delivers them from their distress. Every time, in every situation, as soon as they reach their point of desperation, they CRY OUT and that is when HE ANSWERS! I have been dwelling on this for several days now and have seen this same pattern from God in my own life...

So, imagine my amazement Sunday evening, after my team THE STEELERS won their football game - which has nothing to do with this post, but they are my team and I am so excited :) -
and this story comes on 60 Minutes about a young man with Haitian roots who has been blessed by God in his earthly occupation and is using all his resources to make a difference in his home country.

The Haitian people are in darkness, they are held hostage by the conditions of their country, and Hope is not evident. They are the people of Psalm 107:10-16

10 Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom,

prisoners suffering in iron chains,

11 for they had rebelled against the words of God

and despised the counsel of the Most High.
12 So he subjected them to bitter labor;

they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
13 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,

and he saved them from their distress.
14 He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom

and broke away their chains.
15 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love

and his wonderful deeds for men,
16 for he breaks down gates of bronze

and cuts through bars of iron.

So here are the Haitians, a people of no hope, held in bondage by the conditions of their country, stumbling around seeing no one to help. And the Lord sends Wyclef Jean to bring them from darkness to light. And here is where I get goose bumps...the name of his organization is "Yele Haiti" which is Haitian for CRY OUT LOUD. They are crying out to the LORD in their trouble and he is delivering them from their distress !!!

If I can tap into just a small teaspoon of the vision and hope of Wyclef Jean, I know I could make a difference here in my own community. I absolutely love his statement that in the midst of what may appear to be a hopeless, dangerous, "too big to solve" condition - Wyclef Jean keeps moving forward. He knows that "past the danger is opportunity". He is not afraid. He knows that God is on his side. He doesn't plan to solve all the problems of Haiti, but as the bearer of HOPE, he can unite the people to move forward with him. His final statement in this clip inspires me and gives me guidance in my own life
-

"What I plan to do is I'm gonna make a serious dent, and I'm hoping that after I make this dent, those kids behind me could help break those walls."

All I need to do to make a difference is make a dent...I don't have to solve the world's problems or be intimidated or overwhelmed by their vastness. I just need to make a dent - a dent I can handle!

Water Water Everywhere...

2009-01-01T13:42:00.006-05:00

This will be a rambling post today - so be prepared for lots of detours ;-)

It all began for me last Sunday, when for some strange reason I was directed to Psalm 107 during my quiet time. I love this Psalm, and had not really dwelled on it before. The repeating phrase "Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble and he saved them from their distress" is still sitting in my heart, waiting for me to examine more deeply (note to self- future blog entry...). But what I have actually been working on this week comes from a different part of the psalm (v33-37):

He turned rivers into a desert,

flowing springs into thirsty ground,
and fruitful land into a salt waste,

because of the wickedness of those who lived there.
He turned the desert into pools of water

and the parched ground into flowing springs;
there he brought the hungry to live,

and they founded a city where they could settle.
They sowed fields and planted vineyards

that yielded a fruitful harvest;

Sunday morning - the same morning I had just contemplated this psalm - our worship time reflected on two questions... What have been the valleys of this year? and What were the mountaintop experiences? We were reminded that the valleys of earth are where the streams of water flow and this thought began percolating in my brain all day. Needless to say, I have been trying to quench my thirst all week around the importance of water. I will share some of what I have learned -

Water facts:

60% of the human body is water
70% of the human brain is water
90% of human lungs are water
Each day humans must replace 2.4 litres of water
Water is called the "universal solvent" because it dissolves more substance than any other liquid
Wherever water goes, whether through our bodies or the ground, it takes along valuable chemicals, minerals and nutrients
Water is the ONLY natural substance found in all three states - liquid, gas and solid
70% of earths surface is water
Dehydration occurs when the amount of water leaving the body is greater than the amount being taken in
The thirst mechanism signals the body to drink water when it is dry

So - water is pretty important to us humans, and also pretty darn important to all other aspects of life on earth!

Then I started to reflect on how we see water in the Word. I had some very interesting revelations as I searched the scriptures. For example, see if any of these resonate with you...

I have always known the very beginning of our story from Genesis 1:

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth

and the earth was without form and void;

But now that I am looking at this scripture with new eyes, I realize that in the beginning God began with water...

and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

So God begins His word with water...and guess what...He ends His word with water too!

Revelation 22:1, 17

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life,

clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb...

The Spirit and the bride say,

"Come!" And let those who hear say

"Come!" Let those who are thirsty come;

and let all who wish to take the free gift

of the water of life

Now I feel again like I am sitting on the crest of some greater understanding. I have been carefully working through the scriptures to see that many great words and revelations are delivered near the water. Here are just a few examples I discovered this week:

Isaiah 43:18-21 - God tells us that He is providing water in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland to give drink to His people

Nehemiah 8:2-3 - Ezra the priest re-introduced the law to the people of Jerusalem when standing at the WATER GATE.

Psalm 23: The shepherd leads his sheep beside still water...

Jesus began and ended his earthly ministry with water:

John 2:7 - Jesus changed the water into wine (and it was rated the BEST tasting by the master)

John 19:28 - Jesus last words were "I am thirsty" (and he was given vinegar which is considered the wine unfit to serve as drink)

John 3:5 - Jesus answered "Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the Spirit"

John 3:14 - but those who drink the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

On this pilgrimage of mine, I search for the Living Water - the essential nutrient for survival. It will satisfy my thirst, and will allow me eternal life. To prevent dehydration I must take in more Living Water each day. I am a vessel of the water, and my goal is to continue to become filled to the brim, not running on empty :0)

Irony is not lost on me that the Living Water is found in the valleys of our life. God brings us down to the valley from our mountaintops so that we may remember who He is - and that we may look up to Him!

As I enter this New Year and continue to map my path and check my GPS, it will be good for me to remember that my canteen must be full of this essential water to satisfy my thirst on my journey...

Heartkeeping

2008-12-21T22:03:00.007-05:00

This has been a different sort of Christmas. It is not really the economic crisis, or the never ending war, or environmental concerns, or any of the other very real and very large issues that we are facing individually and nationally. These types of worldly events are always present (albeit not always concurrently and at these levels) . But for some reason this year, no matter who I talk to or where I am, it seems that the Christmas Spirit is just not as joyful this year. The colors are not as bright, the lights are not as brilliant, the faces are not as full as anticipation as previous years.

What is this? What has happened to Christmas?

Speaking for myself I think it is a heart matter, and for my own sake I will be doing some "heartkeeping" this Christmas. Just as I took the time in preparation for Christmas at my home to pull out the furniture and sweep in all the corners, get down all my boxes of Christmas "stuff" and carefully examine which cherished treasures will be carefully set out on display and which would wait for another year...so I must also examine my heart. I need to carefully look in all the hidden places of my heart and sweep away any of those deeply hidden joy stealers like envy, bitterness or fear. Then I will need to sort through those treasures of love, joy, contentment and mercy and find just the right places to put them on display.

Housekeeping is not one of my strengths - and unfortunately heartkeeping is proving difficult for me as well. I could very easily gloss over some of those "dust bunnies" that I have found in the recesses of my heart (no one else would really see them anyway). But what happens to a house that is only topically maintained? Without regular maintenance and a good deep cleaning every once and awhile, the house begins to deteriorate. I believe our heart requires the same attention. Good heartkeeping requires some deep cleansing on a regular basis. What better time to start then Advent.

From Antevasin to Poustinik

2008-12-11T07:06:00.004-05:00

I love words ~ especially really cool sounding ones. There is nothing quite like finding just the perfect word to express a feeling or emotion. When I find special words like these I want to embrace them and make them a part of my being.

This is exactly how I felt a few years ago when I came across the word "Antevasin" in the book "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Antevasin is an ancient sanskrit word meaning: ‘one who lives at the border.’ In ancient times this was a literal description. It indicated a person who had left the bustling center of worldly life to go live at the edge of the forest where the spiritual masters dwelled. The antevasin was not of the villagers anymore-not a householder with a conventional life. But neither was he yet a transcendent-not one of those sages who live deep in the unexplored woods, fully realized. The antevasin was an in-betweener. he was a border-dweller. He lived in sight of both worlds, but he looked toward the unknown. And he was a scholar.”

At the time I came across this word, it was a perfect description of how I was feeling in my pilgrimmage. I had moved to a new level of spirituality, but was still not "there" yet. I have long been an "in-betweener" or "border dweller". And most of my life has been trying to figure out where exactly I belong. Once you have moved to in-between, you can't really go back to where you were and be satisfied, nor do you feel ready to move to the next level. So for several years now I have travelled on the edge - sometimes making forays into the next level of faith, taking brief tastes of what it is like, but not feeling comfortable enough to stay for any extended period. So life has been pretty much a travel along the edges, peering back and forth between these two worlds. Perhaps that is why I started this blog...an effort to move forward.

The scripture I have found to best describe this feeling comes from Habakkuk 2:1

1 I will stand at my watch

and station myself on the ramparts;

I will look to see what he will say to me,

and what answer I am to give to this complaint

Now I have come across a new word that seems to best capture my new state of being...Poustinik The poustinik is one who craves in their hearts to be alone with God and His immense silence. Poustinia is the Russian term for desert. In the Western sense of the word, it would mean a place to which a hermit goes. To the Russian, the word means more than a geographical place. It means a quiet, lonely place that people wish to enter, to find God who dwells within them. One who enters this place is a poustinik.

So this deep calling I have been feeling to find that special place for my time alone is truly the call of the poustinik. I know God is preparing this place for me, I have been receiving hints in my daily readings - and I am certain that the time and place will be revealed when I am ready to go.

It will be exciting to come down from the fence - and yet the fence railings are very familiar territory now. Venturing into the unknown takes great faith and courage. I trust that I will be prepared.

Jesus wept

2008-12-03T20:57:00.009-05:00

This Thanksgiving was not a typical time of reflecting on the blessings of the past year, feasting and optimistically looking forward to the upcoming holiday season. Instead, I was awakened early that morning to the news of the death of my uncle, closely followed by the tragic death of a 19 year old member of our church.

The juxtaposition of these two human losses has caused me to reflect deeply on what human death means to us as Christians. It is difficult in any circumstance for us , with our limited capabilities, to embrace death as a new beginning - no matter how deep our faith may be. It is a concept that has no concrete life experiences we can relate to, and yet is the most critical element of our spiritual development.

How do we who are left on earth react when we lose a loved one? What is the appropriate response? In the case of my uncle, a man who has suffered the past 20 years with severe health issues, our family was silently relieved. While we mourned the loss of a kind, generous, humorous and frank gentleman who lit up a room when he walked in, we were all grateful for the time we did have with him and knew in our hearts that he had lived a full life. But in the case of the 19 year old, my heart just broke with the feeling of great loss. I can't even pretend to imagine his parents grief over the loss of a child who had so much opportunity ahead of him. Why do these things happen...it just does not seem fair. I can see how someone could become very angry with God at this injustice.

So I have been searching the scripture for guidance from Jesus on how we should properly respond to these types of circumstances. My answer came from the gospel of John.

John 11:34-36 (New International Version)
"Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied.
Jesus wept.
Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

In the context of this story, Jesus delayed his travels even when he had been called to specifically to help his very dear friends Mary, Martha and Lazarus. He knew that by waiting, it would be too late to heal Lazarus when he arrived. He also knew of how much hurt and pain Mary and Martha would experience when their brother died. He knew all these things, and yet he still did not answer their calls to him. He did not answer their prayers to heal Lazarus, but instead he allowed him to die.

Martha and Mary's responses were normal human reactions. They were disappointed, they felt betrayed, they were hurt and angry with Jesus because they knew he had the capability to prevent Lazarus death and yet he did not do this one thing for them - even though they had always made it evident that they loved Jesus very much. They were very devoted followers, they supported him faithfully, and yet this one thing he did not do!!!

And when seeing their pain and grief, Jesus wept...

Even when our prayers are not answered, even when the awful, terrible, tragic occurrences of our lives must happen, even when we are angry or frustrated with God...he never stops loving. He will weep with us.

And the most important part of the story is not just that Jesus weeps with us in our times of grief, but that we in our humanness are not able to see the greater purpose. We fail to see that when God allows these tragedies to take place in our lives there really is a much larger picture that we are incapable of comprehending completely. You see, when Jesus didn't answer their call to come and help Lazarus, it was because He wanted to show us a greater opportunity - that of eternal life. When Jesus delayed his response and allowed Lazarus to die, it was to foreshadow the much greater gift we are all given as believers, that we will rise with him and live forever in completeness.

We can be angry, frustrated, and completely heartbroken when these tragedies occur, and Jesus will be right there weeping with us. But we can take comfort in the promise that he will also carry our loved ones into His Kingdom.

This is the one blessing I can pull from this particular Thanksgiving holiday. Amid all the sadness and grief, the light behind the darkness is that eternal promise.

Coloring Inside The Lines

2008-11-21T08:25:00.006-05:00

One of my earliest and fondest memories as a child is when my dad would sit with me at the kitchen table and we would color together in one of my coloring books. It was a special "father/daughter" time for the two of us.

My father and I share many similar personality traits - and maybe some of them originated with these coloring times - but one thing we both share is the strong desire to stay "within the borders" (my father was the Chief of Police in our local township, so staying within the rules was inherent). As I reflect on our times at the table, I realize that my coloring books were a display of my approach to life. In the ritual of coloring, the first thing daddy and I would do was select the colors to boldly outline each object in the picture. By identifying these borders and marking them strongly with my crayon first, it made it easier to "stay in the lines" when I was coloring the rest of the object. Once the object was outlined, I could carefully color the inside in softer shades. I loved working inside the borders - shading along the edges, but never going outside the lines. In fact, when I would take my completed artwork to my mother, the first thing I would point out is how perfectly daddy and I stayed inside the lines...

So, from a very early age, I was trained to approach life from the outside-in. I always check the borders first. As a teenager, I would see exactly how close I could come to those borders...and unfortunately many times extended beyond the lines ;) ... but once the borders were firmly identified I would travel within. Even as an early Christian, in my very early learning stage, I was most interested in the "rules". What does being a Christian mean? What are the borders to my new identity? It has taken many years, and much soul searching for me to realize that this is a backwards approach to a life with Christ.

When I became truly baptized as a follower of Christ, this meant that Christ is abiding within me, He is inside of me and the borders are not completely identified. I must now approach life from the inside out, erasing the borders and completely relinquishing the control or direction to Christ. Tough stuff to do for one who has spent many years as a border identifier!

John 14:20 says: On that day you will realize that I am in my father, and you are in me and I am in you.

So, my coloring must start inside the object and work out to the edges, without worry of coloring inside the lines, because the borders will be identified by Christ. I can't control the edges anymore...

Stars or Fireworks

2008-11-15T21:16:00.001-05:00

One of my family's favorite traditions is to watch the fireworks together on the 4th of July. Our special favorite is to travel to Cherry Grove Beach where we can sit on the beach and watch the fireworks as they are set off at the pier. From this vantage point, the fireworks explode right above us and seem to fill the entire sky. We have seen some pretty interesting combinations, even fireworks that explode into specific designs like smiley faces or American flags. The colors are brilliant and inspiring, and each year it seems the "Grand Finale" comes too early in the evening.

But, as much as I like fireworks, and would not want to miss our 4th of July family tradition, I must say that no matter how beautiful, amazing, unique, or inspiring these explosions of color are I always have this feeling of incompleteness at the end of the evening. The fireworks never fully satisfy my desire for a good show. It always seems that they don't last long enough, aren't full enough, don't quite finish the job...

Now, stargazing on the other hand, has more lasting impressions. Laying flat out on a secluded field gazing at the summer sky, just watching the stars in the heavens up above....well, it is a God moment to say the least. Isn't it a fantastic experience to just sit and view those pinpricks of light, knowing that their formation has never changed for thousands of years! No wonder the stars have always been an attraction to mankind. In a world where everything is changing (and it seems this is happening at an increasing pace), we can always count on the stars - and even project exactly where they will be on any given day!

If we ponder long and hard on the stars, we can also begin to develop an understanding of God's patience and timing. Imagine that when we look at the stars in our sky, we are actually seeing a light that was formed many, many years ago and is just now able to be seen here on earth. In a world where speed seems to be our measure of everything, how fast a car will go, how quickly we can travel from point to point, how fast we can receive a signal on our computers, how quickly we get an answer to our email, we even measure our time in nanoseconds...to think that the stars are still measuring and performing in light years and occurrences in the heavens today will not be viewed here on earth in our own lifetime, sort of puts God's timing in perspective. It really gives us an insight to the vastness of eternity.

In his book "The Attentive Life" by Leighton Ford he states "Stars are like messengers sent by the Creator who also made us, to lure us into pondering the meaning of it all and to consider the great end of our lives. Fireworks are like the diversions we create to keep us from facing the reality of our lives."

So in my pilgrimage, I must concentrate more on stargazing...

...and less on those distractions that prevent me from understanding the reality and perspective of my own life.

As I continue to search for my special place to have a silent retreat, I will be looking for somewhere that includes the ability to see the stars. I intend to do a lot more stargazing in the future!

Sensory Perception

2008-11-08T19:29:00.000-05:00

Today I was re-reading The Shack in preparation for a discussion group on Tuesday. This book is indescribable in its depth. I realized again today as I was reading certain sections a second time that this is one of those magical books that I can read again and again, and always find something new that makes me think or dig deeper into my own psyche. Sometimes these journeys can be dangerous...

Today I settled on page 149 where Mack is having conversation with Jesus. I will share the portion here that sent me to a very interesting introspection:

"You mean," Mack interjected a little sarcastically, "that I can't just ask, 'What Would Jesus Do'?"
Jesus chuckled. "Good intentions, bad idea. Let me know how it works for you, if that's the way you choose to go." He paused and grew sober. "Seriously, my life was not meant to be an example to copy. Being my follower is not trying to 'be like Jesus,' it means for your independence to be killed. I came to give you life, real life, my life. We will come and live our life inside of you, so that you begin to see with our eyes, and hear with our ears, and touch with our hands, and think like we do. But, we will never force that union on you. If you want to do your thing, have at it. Time is on our side."

Now that whole concept gave me great pause. I had to take time and reflect - and even took time to lay flat out and submit some time to God on this one. To think of Jesus looking out through my eyes, hearing through my ears, touching with my hands, tasting through my taste buds all of HIS great creation it just made me sit still for a few moments. It never occurred to me before that I would be a "perceptor" or nerve ending for God.

So all day today, the world has taken on a new meaning. I am eyes and ears for God to view His creation through. That makes me want to see more clearly, listen more carefully and savor taste more accurately. Thinking that I am helping God to see the world makes everything I look at more wondrous and every emotion more poignant.

Not being one who can ever take an idea and just let it settle for a while - I had to go even further to wonder about how God is setting controls for me his little nerve ending. I find it interesting that my long distance vision continues to get worse and yet at my age (somewhere past 50) I still don't need reading glasses. Why is it difficult for me to hear when there is any background noise and why do my emotions lie so close to the surface? How is He using these quirks in my senses? So is God in His little control room pushing buttons and turning knobs that adjust these senses so that I send him just the information he wants? Perhaps my reading vision is still good because I still need to do a lot more scripture reading :o) Maybe my hearing issues are supposed to force me to listen more carefully and speak a lot less...

Whatever it does mean, I do know this - my approach to each day will be different when I remember that I am but an instrument for Jesus to have contact with the world.

Press On

2008-11-05T07:18:00.001-05:00

Sometimes in my faith walk, I feel like I am moving a huge boulder. I struggle with the daily challenges and feel the weight of all my past sins pressing down on my consciousness. And you know, sometimes I just get tired of pushing...and I forget that I am not pushing on my own strength. I become weary and the path ahead seems just too much to bear. I want to stop, rest, and even look back to where I have been because at least that road is more familiar and easier to walk now that I have created a pathway.

It is a dangerous time to stop and reflect on the past. We can either become entranced by our "accomplishments" allowing pride to seep in, dangerously creating a detour from our divine purpose and instead focused on our personal recognition and earthly rewards, OR we might become weighted down by our past sins, allowing shame and guilt to weaken us, removing our strength as part of the greater common good and once again thwarting kingdom growth.

I think this is why the Apostle Paul tells us in Philippians 3:12-14:

12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

This Sunday we studied this particular scripture, and one quote from Mike really spoke to me - "Staying in the process is MORE important than the product at any given moment". I loved that thought. That is what Paul is saying and that is our best instruction on our journey. PRESS ON - we will never arrive until that final day. PRESS ON - a better day awaits. PRESS ON - there is more growth ahead. PRESS ON - you can rise above this sin. PRESS ON - don't rest in your laurels or become drowned in your self loathing. There is a promise ahead - keep your eyes on the prize and continue moving forward.

To move forward, we must always be aware that it is not our own power that pushes the boulder, it is the Spirit within us, strengthening us, and directing us when we are pushing in the wrong direction. This is where the disciplines come in. I can't connect to the energy source within if I don't know where to plug the cord! Through regular discipline of prayer, reading The Word, and devoting my time in service to others, I can become connected to the Spirit within. These are my "outlets" to plug in to! And of course Paul has words on that too in this same letter. Philippians 2:1-3

1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Being like-minded: Reading The Word

Being one in spirit and purpose: Prayer

Consider others better than yourselves: Servant heart

That boulder will continue to PRESS ON if I continue to PLUG IN...

God and Guns!

2008-10-31T20:08:00.000-04:00

This morning I was rudely awakened to those words proclaimed loudly by none other than Hank Williams Jr. from a snippet that was broadcast on the radio from a recent Republican rally/concert held in Fayetteville.

Hard to believe that those words would be used together as a proclamation...what has this country come to? I was disturbed all day by this announcement, even more so by the cheers of the crowd that followed it. Is this the teaching of our God and our Saviour? How can this statement be reconciled with Biblical teaching?

Have we really become a nation that equates gun ownership as a "God" ordained right? Have we removed ourselves that far from the core of God's instructions? How can someone claim to be a Christian and also proclaim a love for guns? I really struggle with this.

Here is an interesting quote from Dwight D. Eisenhower, from a speech before the American Society of Newspaper Editors, April 16, 1953 (and remembering that this man was a decorated WWII General as well as our 34th President):

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed...This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is a humanity hanging from a cross of iron."

I believe President Eisenhower would roll over in his grave if he knew that statements praising "God and Guns" were the rallying cry of a Republican gathering.

Each election season, the rhetoric becomes more and more divisive, the distinctions between the two parties more and more oppositional, the choices less obvious and the poor and the downtrodden lost in the struggle for power. I sometimes feel that as a country we have completely lost direction and instead keep spinning around the same circles, the same issues, the same frustrations. Because we are so focused on our side "winning", nothing gets accomplished except more polarization. We are now hanging dummies in effigy, physically damaging ourselves to make a story, plotting giant assassinations, sending viral emails full of half truths or lies without any consideration of the damage we are doing not only to those we oppose, but also to ourselves. Each time we reduce ourselves to the spreading of lies, gossip or half truths, we are hurting our own consciousness. How can we stop the madness???

Throughout the Bible, the chosen people of God have been set apart, not part of the culture they resided in. From the early Hebrews, the sons of Abraham to the first Christians in the Acts 2 church, we followers of God have been separate from societies ways, often subjected to hardship, slavery, persecution or execution. Perhaps the culture that surrounded them was no different than we are facing in this country. So how do I set myself apart from the madness? How do I continue my pilgrims journey of faith, follow my hearts desire and God's directive to help the poor, the orphan and the widow?

How's Your Vision?

2008-10-26T21:18:00.000-04:00

It has always amazed me that my husband and I will be driving down the road and he will suddenly point to the side of the road and say "Did you see that deer", or he will recognize a friend driving in a car going the other way, or he will comment on something the passengers are doing in a car up the road as we start to pass it by. I have never been able to see these things. When I am riding or driving in a car I am consciously focused on the driving, but subconsciously I am always "pinging" my sensory radar for feelings or emotions, how the music on the radio makes me feel, mentally checking off my "to do" list, thinking about my destination and what my plans are when I get there. My husband and I have two completely different ways of taking a journey. If we were to use a Myers Briggs evaluation, he is definitely and "S" and I am a "N" in the perception department. While he derives his environmental awareness from sight and the reality around him, I am much more aware of the feelings of the people we are with or the tone or emotions that fill a room.

When we go on vacation it is the same thing. Dan is intently focused on seeing all we can of the sights of the city we are visting. Each day will have significant time set aside to visit and explore all the different landmarks. I on the other hand want to talk to the people we meet and get to know more about their culture, what their days are like, what their interests are. When we return from our travels and share our memories with others, sometimes it seems like we were on separate vacations!!

I guess these different ways to be attentive in life also will affect our ability to "see" God in our presence here on earth. A Sensory person will "see" God in all his majesty in the beautiful sunsets, magnificent vistas, beautiful blosseming flowers, or a rainbow after a storm. An Intuitive person on the other hand will "see" God in emotions and behaviors, in reactions and moods, in patterns and coincidences. Neither type of sight is better or more relevant than the other, they are just different. The most important point is that whichever way we are wired, we are called to take time to develop our vision. We need to check our sight regularly to make sure it is operating properly.

I seem to move through attentiveness phases myself. There are times that I can daily grasp Gods presence almost as though I could touch him. As I sit in my morning devotion time I become amazed at how randomly selected scripture will just speak to a specific life issue I am dealing with (I just LOVE when that happens!). Then at other times, it is almost as though I am wearing blinders and can't seem to discern God's presence anywhere. Usually this happens when I am extremely caught up in activities, I begin to neglect my morning time because my schedule won't allow and I drift a little from my relationship. It is funny how that hole in my life will sometimes take a while to make itself known.

During the past year, I have been increasingly aware that I need to work on quiet, meditative times to increase my personal attentiveness. And for some reason, the urgency I am feeling towards this is increasing. This is a very frightening concept for me. Taking many hours to be completely alone with God. I am not sure what to do with myself during this silent retreat...I am a people person - putting me alone for extended periods of time with no distractions, no phone, no TV, no computer - well, that's just not something I am comfortable with. But I have been hearing this call in my heart (good thing I am not a Sensory person - or God would have to send me an official invitation, or write it in the sky, or maybe send a burning bush just to get my attention), and I am looking into the options for a day of meditation...just me and the Lord.

Another Puzzle Piece in Place!

2008-10-22T08:23:00.000-04:00

I believe I have found another piece in my puzzle of the Middle Class Paradox...

While concluding the study of Psalms of Ascent the next to last Psalm (133) sings of unity. How wonderful it is when brothers are united and live together in harmony.

So - I have been reflecting on our current events and how the past several years have sort of squeezed the middle class, pushing more folks down instead of up in their social mobility. Likewise, the very recent financial events are forcing us to really take stock in our personal priorities as we must shed our abundance (lighten our load) for survival. I have to believe that there is a grand design in all of this - so I am carefully pondering on the greater possible picture.
We have some clear choices here as individuals while we go through these personal inventories. If we are in the middle class, do we continue to separate ourselves, defining the distinctions that classify us as "middle" rather than "low" income level? Or perhaps, we can unite with those who are suffering even more, and learn from each other. Obviously, the middle income group has weakness in a Godly relationship (or at least on external dependence on a greater being than ourselves), and the low income group has weakness in aquiring the basic needs for survival.

I can't help but wonder if the current world events are God's way of forcing us to blend together in harmony. But, can we answer His request? Can we live in harmony understanding the benefits that can be mutually derived from shared life perspectives that ultimately increase our relationship and understanding of God's great design? Or, will we continue to try to isolate ourselves in fear and selfishness, afraid to release control and determined to project our place in the social continuum? It is a shame if we let this opportunity to grow relationally and purposefully together to pass us by.

Today - God sent these scriptures to me and I believe He was helping me with puzzle pieces:

Micah 6:8
But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women.It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love,And don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously.

Matthew 25:35-40
"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what's coming to you in this kingdom. It's been ready for you since the world's foundation. And here's why: I was hungry and you fed me, I was thirsty and you gave me a drink, I was homeless and you gave me a room, I was shivering and you gave me clothes, I was sick and you stopped to visit, I was in prison and you came to me.'
"Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.'

I would say that God is pretty obvious in shining a light for our way...if we want to follow HIS way!

Middle Class Paradox

2008-10-20T22:43:00.000-04:00

Have you ever worked hard on a puzzle, all the pieces are quickly coming together, and you can even start to see the picture, but you just can't seem to find the rest of the pieces to finish it? That is sort of how I am feeling tonight.

In the past 36 hours I have received pieces of this puzzle in various ways. It began with a reading of scripture in church yesterday from The Message:

1 John 2: 15:17
Don't love the world's ways. Don't love the world's goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.

When I heard the words "The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out" I literally gasped out loud. This scripture seemed so prescient of our current world events! Wanting is on its way out...and with global magnitude.

Then I went to the Class Matters workshop last evening. It was very eye-opening to understand the motiviations and mindsets of the different socioeconomic classes. The different perspectives between those in generational poverty and those in the middle class are very interesting. When viewed through the lens of 1 John 2, I feel that I have just started to put the edge on my puzzle picture.

You see, in the middle class, our value is measured by our achievements. We measure this by our career achievements, financial achievements, education achievements and most of all our posessions. We have so much stuff that self-storage is Big Business these days!! We can't even fit all our posessions in our homes. And once again the scripture hits home..."Love of the world squeezes out love of the Father". Our posessions become our gods - and we become so immersed in this self absorbed life style that we forget about the One who has provided all. In fact we really have difficulty "scheduling" him on our calendars.

Now my class also taught me that those in situational or generational poverty measure their worth in relationships. Relationships become their currency in life. The more relationships you have, the greater your chance for survival.

I have been really caught up in this fact that the poor understand the value of relationship. And here is where I have hit one of those spots in my puzzle where I have most of the pieces, but just can't find that one necessary piece to complete my puzzle.

The poor measure their value by relationships...
Jesus said "Blessed are the poor in spirit". This is the very first of the Beatitudes.
To begin relationship with Jesus, we must also become "poor" in our love for wordly goods, in our love of self and perhaps even in our financial standing. Because only when we are poor do we have the room for our complete love for the Father.

The poor value relationships because they are necessary for survival...
And her comes another little puzzle piece...this morning, my business associate shared this scripture that was read at his church yesterday:

Luke 12: 29-34
"What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself.
"Be generous. Give to the poor. Get yourselves a bank that can't go bankrupt, a bank in heaven far from bankrobbers, safe from embezzlers, a bank you can bank on. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being

By joining Jesus in relationship we will "find all your everyday human concerns will be met."

And how about that tag line! "Get yourselves a bank that can't go bankrupt, a bank in heaven"
Does that not hit the target in these times of bank rescues and financial turbulance!!!!

I still feel I haven't hit the kernal of great truth that is lying there waiting for me in these scriptures, and am praying that God will reveal the rest of this puzzle picture to me. I anxiously await the next piece to be revealed!

Spine vs Rib

2008-10-19T15:38:00.000-04:00

This week as we were studying our lesson on Psalm 133, I was captured by the idea of categorizing my faith beliefs into spine and rib issues.

Spine issues would be the backbone of my faith while rib issues do not involve matters that threaten to break the back. This is taking me some time to respond to. What are the true vertebrae and which aspects of my faith are more interpretive?

To me, the spine issues would be that there is one God who was the creator of all earth, he had one Son, Jesus who died for our sins and rose from the dead to bring us salvation. We receive salvation and grace from God through our belief in Jesus and one day will live in eternity in the presence of God. Spine issues - without them, our back is broken.

Rib issues are a little more sticky and difficult to capture. Ribs are connected to the spine, but branch outward to protect to soft organs of our body . Rib issues are the subtleties that separate us within our faith like baptizing by dunking or sprinkling, traditional hymns or contemporary rock and roll, speaking in tongues or silently meditating. Ribs are connected to the spine, and while they are not the primary support for the body, they do provide the casing that adds shape and dimension. Most importantly, the ribs provide the protection that allows the heartbeat to pulse regularly sending energy to the body.

In this political season, I am wondering if I can use this same process to break down the options presented by the candidates into spine or ribs. What issues are part of the spine of our country and which are rib issues? And how do I relate these to the backbone of my faith?

Fractals

2008-10-15T20:20:00.000-04:00

Until I read "The Shack" I had never heard of fractals, or maybe I just wasn't paying enough attention in High School math when we covered that subject. So needless to say, I was intrigued when this word fractal came up and I could not figure out why Sarayu (the Holy Spirit) would say that she loved them. So I have begun a discovery of fractals.

Here are some pictures of fractals:

And here is the definition of a fractal:

fractal:

A complex geometric pattern exhibiting self-similarity in that small details of its structure viewed at any scale repeat elements of the overall pattern. See more at chaos. Fractals are often associated with recursive operations on shapes or sets of numbers, in which the result of the operation is used as the input to the same operation, repeating the process indefinitely. The operations themselves are usually very simple, but the resulting shapes or sets are often dramatic and complex, with interesting properties

Now this is something I can have fun with! Imagine God sitting in heaven and using his unique perspective to create these glorious fractals - through nature AND through our human events. I love that fractals are within themselves very simple, but the end result is very dramatic and complex. Isn't that exactly what life is all about! We are all just part of a giant fractal. Each daily occurrence carefully pre-ordained to form part of an extremely complex planned final product. I sort of feel that I am on the very edge of understanding a universal truth.

Just this morning, while studying Psalm 132, and learning the messianic prophecy from verses 17-18, it hit me that in all of our history God has never changed. He has remained true to his promises, but he has used repeating patterns of human behaviour to create His ultimate design. Human history has been a giant fractal of interlocking events of similar design uniquely situated to create a design that has infinite (or eternal...) potential.

Consider the parallel between a song to David and his glorious crown and his priests who are clothed in salvation and our own promise of salvation through Christ who wears the crown. There are many examples of these simple, self similar parts of a whole throughout the Old and New Testaments and even in our lives today.

Just like Sarayu - I love these fractals too!!

What's in a name?

2008-10-08T07:52:00.000-04:00

Lately I have been very caught up in the specific names of God. Just before beginning the Stepping UP study, I was given a book "Praying the Names of God" as a gift. It is a wonderful book that I will soon be using as my personal morning devotion guide once this study is over. I love to learn names of God in the original Hebrew and then come to a better understanding of the scripture where they are used. As I start to learn each of these many different ways to refer to God, he becomes a living, breathing, multi-faceted, incomprehensible, wonder. A three letter word is just to small to define Him!

I have also been reading "The Shack" by WIlliam P. Young. For those of you who have not yet heard of this book, I strongly suggest you check this website: http://www.theshackbook.com . While there is some controversy surrounding this work of fiction from various Christian camps, I personally find it to be a glorious depiction of the relationship between each part of the Holy Trinity and an image of Grace and relationship that I can truly comprehend. The visual images that capture me remain long after I put the book down. It is a wonderful journey.

Because I have been on this "name thing" for a few weeks now, it really intrigued me that there are a few names in The Shack that refer to God. He is "Pappa",God, and Elousia. The name Elousia especially caught my attention and I went to my "Names of God" book to see if it was listed there. It wasn't - however last week my eyes did rest on this name for God: "El Roi" (pronounced El raw-EE) meaning "The God who sees me". I had to sit down and chew on this one for a while (and I am still chewing ;-) ! Once again, in troubled times, praying to "The God who sees me" is quite comforting.

This name for God was only used once in the entire scripture! I find that amazing. Only one time was God referred to as the one who sees us...it is the context that it was used that really touched my heart. In Genesis, when Hagar is in the desert sobbing over her circumstances - having been abused and mistreated in the desert by her master (Sarai) she was running away. She is feeling isolated and afraid. She is not sure what she can do. Here she is, pregnant with child, having fled the only means of support she had, in the middle of a desert, not sure how she will get her next meal, where she can go, who would take her in. She is so alone...then God shows up!!! Hagar calls Him "El Roi" the God who sees me. She is not alone any more!!!

Isn't it wonderful that we have this name for God to remember. No matter what my circumstances, no matter how isolated I feel, there is a God who sees me.

Now, since I have had time to really think of this - I took that name and repeated it several times, giving a different emphasis on each word. With El Roi, I am really praying to more than one name.

First there is the GOD who sees me. In this case, I am recognizing the supremacy of God, he is the ultimate, the one who I worship as "I am".

Second, there is the God who SEES me. Now I am relating to the God who knows and understands me - as no one else can. He really sees the inside of me that is held private from everyone else.

Finally, there is the God who sees ME. This is my personal God, the one that I can talk and relate to, tell my plans to, ask advise from, come to for help. He sees ME individually from the rest. And He will be there for ME, in all my circumstances.

How wonderful to have El Roi. I am captured by this name.

Then, I began to wonder - if I take such delight in God seeing ME, how much must it delight Him when I see Him!!! That is the mutuality of our relationship. It gives totally new meaning and purpose to my days. I want to delight Him the same way by recognizing when I catch a glimpse of Him. And the most wonderful thing about this is that the more I look - the more I can see Him!

Back to "The Shack"...as I have been coming to this realization, I came across a wonderful quote from this book. Not to take anything from the story (you really have to travel the journey of this book with no preconceptions), there is a quote from Jesus regarding our relationship with him:

"...I don't want to be the first among a list of values; I want to be at the center of everything. When I live in you, then together we can live through everything that happens to you. Rather than a pyramid, I want to be the center of a mobile, where everything in your life - your friends, family, occupation, thoughts, activities - is connected to me but moves with the wind, in and out and back and forth, in an incredible dance of being."

I just absolutely love that image. God as the center of a mobile - spinning and moving all around me. With my eyes on the center, I can capture the colors and shapes of God moving in and out and all around me. Not just when I am reading scripture or praising in worship or serving in ministry - but in EVERYTHING.

El Roi - The God who sees me. Oh God, I pray that I delight you when I see you too!

The eyes of the LORD

2008-10-01T08:11:00.000-04:00

How appropriate that my Psalm this week is Psalm 33. With all the turmoil in our national economy, especially the local concerns relative to the Wachovia sale, here is what God gives us as a comfort and an instruction...

But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him

on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

to deliver them from death

and keep them alive in famine

On a very personal level, I am just beginning to absorb this concept. It has always been a struggle for me to have faith that my circumstances are all within God's greater plan. I have suffered the fear and humility of living below what had been my normal standards. As a high school senior, my father lost his job and our family had to drastically change our life-style. I never completely recognized the sacrifices my parents made to allow me to still attend college. But they were not willing to give up the dream of their first child being educated beyond their own achievements. Then through our marriage, my husband and I have twice suffered the pain of "downsizing" our life and re-prioritizing our budget. But, I must say that each subsequent time this happens to me, I become more and more able to put my faith and trust in God to deliver me through these life situations. I guess He still has much to teach me in this area, because I am still living at the address "Just enough to get by street" and it does not appear that I will be moving soon!

I am ashamed to admit that as I have been watching all these Wall Street "emergencies" and the more local Wachovia sell-out, a thought that surfaced was that at least this time it didn't very directly affect me. I actually was viewing the events as a spectator on the sidelines. How selfish of me - but in all honesty it was my very first reaction. Fortunately, this mindset didn't have opportunity to settle in. Very quickly (but of course not soon enough) I began to think of all my good friends who were affected. Then of course I began to dwell on the "ripple effect" and how this economic catastrophe would impact our entire country. It is mind boggling to even try to grasp the domino effect of this financial crisis. It will touch not only every American, but the global ramifications will be enormous. Too much for my small brain to grasp!!

So what can I do - what can we all do? Some of the answer comes from the next verses in Psalm 33, and more comes from our lesson in Psalm 127.

We wait in hope for the LORD

he is our help and our shield.

I love the imagery of the Lord as our shield - the first defense for the warrior. The shield stands out front and prevents the arrows from piercing us. So I must put the Lord out there in front of me, He is first (not me...). In my priorities, worship of Him must be number one in how I cope.

Then the second step comes from our lesson of Psalm 127. Once again, the image of the warrior, only this time it is concentrating on His weapons.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

are sons born in one's youth.

Blessed is the man

whose quiver is full of them.

They will not be put to shame

when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

As we learned through our lesson, sons are not necessarily our blood relatives. As members of a faith community, we have brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, mothers and fathers who are not related by our own blood, but rather by the blood of Christ. We have our fellow brothers and sisters as our arrows of defense. "Blessed is the man(woman) whose quiver is full of them". I can't help but lean towards the vision of the first church, the Acts 2 community. Each person giving all they have for the benefit of the greater good.

So how do I drill this down to my personal actions? Well, as always happens, Beth Moore has a way of sending out instructions that are extremely timely to my personal experience. It never ceases to amaze me that each time I specifically listen to a lesson or work through my homework on something that had been video-taped or written months or years ago, it speaks to me in this very moment of my life. Here are the instructions I received in our video lesson:

"The remedy for self absorption is to give something away"

This time in our American culture it is necessary for us to have generous grace and generous giving. It is time for us to review our lifestyle of overabundance and give spontaneous freewill offerings as a tribute to God for his temporal bounties. I must take a personal inventory of my household and give to those who are without.

"After every Passover comes a Pentecost" - after every death comes a harvest.

Perhaps this time in American culture is our own Passover time. It will be a purging time for us as a society, to evaluate our cultural and personal priorities and lifestyles. We can only pray that there will be a Pentecost or "Feast of Weeks" where we will experience a great harvest. I must plant my seeds of fear and doubt into the hard soil, maybe even water them with my tears. But I can do all this with the knowledge that one day, when the timing is perfect, there will be a harvest and until then, God's shield WILL be over me in all life circumstances, and I have arrows of fellowship friends in my quiver. There is no better vision to carry us through than the concluding scripture of Psalm 33:

In him our hearts rejoice,

for we trust in his holy name.

May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD

even as we put our hope in you.

My Personal Passover

2008-09-24T22:05:00.000-04:00

A highlight for me of the lenten season is to experience a Christian "Seder". This is a Christian version of the traditional Jewish Passover Seder (or Feast of Unleavened Bread). For those who might not be familiar, the Seder is the actual Passover meal that Jesus was participating in for the last supper. It is a traditional ritual that includes the reciting of the Haggadah - the retelling of the Israelite exodus from Egypt. It is a very scripted meal and every item on the Seder plate is representative of a portion of the story. When participating in a Christian Seder, the true meaning of the bread and the wine is experienced, and we become much more aware of what the 12 disciples would have understood Jesus to be telling them through His symbolism. For me, the Seder is the ultimate bridge between the Old and New Testaments and is what makes the Easter story even more amazing.

A big part in the preparation for the traditional Seder is the removal of all yeast from the home. Until viewing last night's video for our study, I didn't truly comprehend the significance of removal of the yeast. But now, with the understanding that ancient rabbis believed that leaven represents the evil impulses of the heart, and is symbolic of sin - how amazing is it to think that Jesus was so pure from sin, that even at his last meal it would have symbolically been removed from his presence in preparation for the meal he would share with his followers.

So, today I began thinking more of that yeast (sin) and how it is kneaded into the bread, quickly yet invisibly spreading completely throughout. How difficult it must be physically to remove all the yeast from our homes (or all sin from our lives!). Is my own sin that way? Sort of invisibly embedded throughout - so subtle that I can't really notice it?

This past Sunday, as Mike was teaching on the difficult subject of Hate, I remember thinking to myself - I think I have that one sort of purged from my heart. I have had personal experiences that really worked on that particular issue with me - and so I was actually considering that this is one of the sins that maybe I have under control. Now you would think that at my age I would know better than to be so (dare I say...) prideful! Of course, God wasn't going to let me sit still with that one - although I guess He did give me a 24 hour respite.

But then this morning, when I started to think of this subtle yeast, I began to contemplate on the ways that hate can start. It is those innocent little jokes about someone we discussed, or a sarcasm that may have been intended as a joke, or gossip that can even pervade prayer or be shared with the "best intentions". Hate can start that way - and it can (just like yeast) begin to grow and expand...if we don't take time to remove it from our homes (hearts).

Then I remembered that Jesus said..."You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment. But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment." So while on Sunday I was comfortable thinking that I had hate under control - I am now very uncomfortable thinking of all the little ways I have allowed hate to be carefully worked into my very core.

Now, in my own personal passover preparation, I am going to start searching for that yeast in my house. This one is so hard! Just today I began to catch myself so many times (especially in a political season) making hurtful or sarcastic comments. It is almost second nature! I have lots of work ahead of me. I may have to start a bakery with all the yeast I come across!!

On Sunday, Mike taught that the Psalms teach us that to be fully human, we must pray as we actually are - not who we think we should be. On Tuesday, Beth Moore taught us to "Be who you are". I don't think it is coincidence that these instructions were given twice in one week!

Authentic relationship is what God seeks. In preparation for this little revelation, He even sent me instructions. Last week, in my morning Daily Office, I was reading Psalm 141 each day. Each time I came to verses 3 and 4, I stopped for some reason. They really struck me and I could tell there was a message for me there:

Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD

keep watch over the door of my lips

Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil,

to take part in wicked deeds

with men who are evildoers;

let me not eat of their delicacies.

I believe this scripture will need to be part of my yeast search strategy!

St. Adamnan Responds

2008-09-23T10:53:00.000-04:00

On days when I am not doing my "homework" for the Stepping Up study, I am working on my morning prayer ritual. I have become determined to work on my personal discipline of morning prayer and have been studying methods of prayer from various resources. Often a morning liturgy is referred to as "The Daily Office" and I am working with two guides to help me create my own style and ritual.

This morning, I turned to the book "Celtic Daily Prayer: Prayers and Readings from the Northumbria Community", and turned to the daily readings section for September 23. I learned that today is actually the day of St. Adamnan. Adamnan MacRonan was a peace-loving man who worked for Irish law to be changed, exempting women, children and clergy from military service. He lived in the late 600 to 704 AD and is best known for writing his master work "The Life of St. Columba".

Well, Lo and Behold! As I was reading I was amazed that this special reading for today is a gracious answer to my concerns of yesterday...how affirming is that! When I question how God feels about me, here is the gentle answer the very next day. I will share this word with you, and hope it gives you the same contentment that I was granted this morning.

Often I strain and climb

and struggle to lay hold

of everything I'm certain

You have planned for me.

And nothing happens:

there comes no answer.

Only You reach down to me

just where I am.

When You give me no answer

to my questions,

still I have only to raise up my arms

to You, my Father

and then You lift me up.

Then because You are my Father

You speak these words of truth

to my heart:

'You are not an accident.

Even at the moment of your conception,

out of many possibilities,

only certain cells combined,

survived, grew to be you.

You are unique.

You were created for a purpose.

God loves you.

If the LORD had not been on my side...

2008-09-22T06:52:00.000-04:00

These past few days as I have been camped on Psalm 124, I have been forced to reflect on some disturbing self revelations. While I am comfortable in my personal adoration of God and Jesus, how do I feel that God thinks of me? When I read the following quote, it gave me great pause - in fact it sort of made me take a step backwards in surprise...

Regardless of how long we've been Christians and how deeply we've studied God's Word, most of us don't really believe down in the marrow of our bones that God is entirely, wholeheartedly, and unwaveringly on our side.

I must admit, she caught me on this one! Many times as I sit in my private time, I picture God taking a deep sigh and sort of crossing His arms - with that "Here we go again" sort of expression on His face. I want to please Him so much - and yet I can easily get caught up in my own interpretations of His response to me. If my will is not accomplished, then the immediate conclusion is that God is not pleased with me - He likes the other person, group, competitor, side of the argument, more than my own...He must not be for me...I am not as important to Him as these others.

I love the gift of the scripture John 13:7 "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand". How often have I used that sort of phrase with my own children! And when I really sit and think, those times my prayers were NOT answered, wasn't that really the best thing for me? Most times down the road, my current NO was for a bigger YES in the future!

All this is easy to remember when you are not treading water just trying to stay afloat. But for true relational growth, amidst all the fears and frustrations, can I still remember that even when it appears God is not caring for me, He is still right by my side? Can I trust Him completely, do I truly believe He will pull me through? Or will I once again try to take matters into my own hands, determine the required results and move forward on my own? Or worse yet, when my life is running smoothly, or my desires are fulfilled - will I remember that these are God's will, and not my own accomplishments as well?

Romans 8:28 promises that God works ALL things for the good of those who love him. That is the treasure I must press into my own psyche - and keep it foremost in my heart. I must thank Him for my blessings, but also thank Him for caring enough about me to want the best for me - even when I can't see the benefits myself...

My First Official Blog Entry

2008-09-20T18:00:00.000-04:00

This is pretty scary - opening up my thoughts to the web!

To my fellow "Stepping Up" pilgrims, I hope we can use this tool to grow during the week as we study the Psalms of Ascent together.

I have to say that laying flat out and submitting myself to God each morning has required the most effort for me as far as releasing inhibitions (even when I know I am totally alone in my house!). There is something about being in a position of total submission that works on my own pride and helps to create an attitude of humility before I begin reading the Word.

Here is a great invocation I came upon that has helped me prepare before I stretch out:

O God, whose grace and mercy flow like

an endless river from your great being,

help me now to place myself in the path of your

rushing love and limitless compassion,

that I may find my spirit renewed.

Amen

(Taken from"A Guide to Prayer For All God's People" p. 280)

What about you? What helps you get started each day?