Wild Abandon

The other morning during my quiet time, the selected reading from my devotional book was this:

Father, I abandon mmyself
into Your hands.
Do with me what You will,
whatever You do, I will thank You,
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only Your will be done in me,
as in all Your creatures,
and I'll ask nothing else, my Lord.

Into Your hands I commend my spirit;
I give it to You
with all the love of my heart,
for I love You, Lord,
and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into Your hands
with a trust beyond all mesure,
because You are my Father.

Charles de Foucauld

I realized as I read the words that they were empty and hollow sounding coming from my own mouth. I could read them, but I knew that my heart was not engaged in the meaning. I am not yet capable of that complete release, and I am not quite certain exactly what is holding me back. Is it pride? Is it fear? Maybe a little of both?

One of my breakthrough moments of faith came several years ago when I removed God from his "superman" uniform and realized that He was not to be reserved for big emergencies, but that He was a jealous God and wanted to be involved in all parts of my life. I still get that - and this might sound silly, but I have no problem allowing God in all parts of my life - as long as it remains MY LIFE. But to now sit and say that I totally abandon myself and my life to Him...well that is a very scary proposition. I am not quite ready to say that "I am ready for it all" and I am especially not prepared to say "I'll ask nothing else"...and yet I am fully aware that this commitment is what I am working towards as I continue this pilgrimmage. The journey is the destination (or something like that). Each day a little more of my "self" is chisled and chipped away and I will know that I am close to arriving when I can read those words with full engagement of my heart and my mind.