Heartkeeping

This has been a different sort of Christmas. It is not really the economic crisis, or the never ending war, or environmental concerns, or any of the other very real and very large issues that we are facing individually and nationally. These types of worldly events are always present (albeit not always concurrently and at these levels) . But for some reason this year, no matter who I talk to or where I am, it seems that the Christmas Spirit is just not as joyful this year. The colors are not as bright, the lights are not as brilliant, the faces are not as full as anticipation as previous years.

What is this? What has happened to Christmas?

Speaking for myself I think it is a heart matter, and for my own sake I will be doing some "heartkeeping" this Christmas. Just as I took the time in preparation for Christmas at my home to pull out the furniture and sweep in all the corners, get down all my boxes of Christmas "stuff" and carefully examine which cherished treasures will be carefully set out on display and which would wait for another year...so I must also examine my heart. I need to carefully look in all the hidden places of my heart and sweep away any of those deeply hidden joy stealers like envy, bitterness or fear. Then I will need to sort through those treasures of love, joy, contentment and mercy and find just the right places to put them on display.



Housekeeping is not one of my strengths - and unfortunately heartkeeping is proving difficult for me as well. I could very easily gloss over some of those "dust bunnies" that I have found in the recesses of my heart (no one else would really see them anyway). But what happens to a house that is only topically maintained? Without regular maintenance and a good deep cleaning every once and awhile, the house begins to deteriorate. I believe our heart requires the same attention. Good heartkeeping requires some deep cleansing on a regular basis. What better time to start then Advent.

From Antevasin to Poustinik

I love words ~ especially really cool sounding ones. There is nothing quite like finding just the perfect word to express a feeling or emotion. When I find special words like these I want to embrace them and make them a part of my being.

This is exactly how I felt a few years ago when I came across the word "Antevasin" in the book "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Antevasin is an ancient sanskrit word meaning: ‘one who lives at the border.’ In ancient times this was a literal description. It indicated a person who had left the bustling center of worldly life to go live at the edge of the forest where the spiritual masters dwelled. The antevasin was not of the villagers anymore-not a householder with a conventional life. But neither was he yet a transcendent-not one of those sages who live deep in the unexplored woods, fully realized. The antevasin was an in-betweener. he was a border-dweller. He lived in sight of both worlds, but he looked toward the unknown. And he was a scholar.”

At the time I came across this word, it was a perfect description of how I was feeling in my pilgrimmage. I had moved to a new level of spirituality, but was still not "there" yet. I have long been an "in-betweener" or "border dweller". And most of my life has been trying to figure out where exactly I belong. Once you have moved to in-between, you can't really go back to where you were and be satisfied, nor do you feel ready to move to the next level. So for several years now I have travelled on the edge - sometimes making forays into the next level of faith, taking brief tastes of what it is like, but not feeling comfortable enough to stay for any extended period. So life has been pretty much a travel along the edges, peering back and forth between these two worlds. Perhaps that is why I started this blog...an effort to move forward.

The scripture I have found to best describe this feeling comes from Habakkuk 2:1

1 I will stand at my watch

and station myself on the ramparts;

I will look to see what he will say to me,

and what answer I am to give to this complaint

Now I have come across a new word that seems to best capture my new state of being...Poustinik The poustinik is one who craves in their hearts to be alone with God and His immense silence. Poustinia is the Russian term for desert. In the Western sense of the word, it would mean a place to which a hermit goes. To the Russian, the word means more than a geographical place. It means a quiet, lonely place that people wish to enter, to find God who dwells within them. One who enters this place is a poustinik.

So this deep calling I have been feeling to find that special place for my time alone is truly the call of the poustinik. I know God is preparing this place for me, I have been receiving hints in my daily readings - and I am certain that the time and place will be revealed when I am ready to go.

It will be exciting to come down from the fence - and yet the fence railings are very familiar territory now. Venturing into the unknown takes great faith and courage. I trust that I will be prepared.

Jesus wept

This Thanksgiving was not a typical time of reflecting on the blessings of the past year, feasting and optimistically looking forward to the upcoming holiday season. Instead, I was awakened early that morning to the news of the death of my uncle, closely followed by the tragic death of a 19 year old member of our church.

The juxtaposition of these two human losses has caused me to reflect deeply on what human death means to us as Christians. It is difficult in any circumstance for us , with our limited capabilities, to embrace death as a new beginning - no matter how deep our faith may be. It is a concept that has no concrete life experiences we can relate to, and yet is the most critical element of our spiritual development.

How do we who are left on earth react when we lose a loved one? What is the appropriate response? In the case of my uncle, a man who has suffered the past 20 years with severe health issues, our family was silently relieved. While we mourned the loss of a kind, generous, humorous and frank gentleman who lit up a room when he walked in, we were all grateful for the time we did have with him and knew in our hearts that he had lived a full life. But in the case of the 19 year old, my heart just broke with the feeling of great loss. I can't even pretend to imagine his parents grief over the loss of a child who had so much opportunity ahead of him. Why do these things happen...it just does not seem fair. I can see how someone could become very angry with God at this injustice.

So I have been searching the scripture for guidance from Jesus on how we should properly respond to these types of circumstances. My answer came from the gospel of John.

John 11:34-36 (New International Version)
"Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied.
Jesus wept.
Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

In the context of this story, Jesus delayed his travels even when he had been called to specifically to help his very dear friends Mary, Martha and Lazarus. He knew that by waiting, it would be too late to heal Lazarus when he arrived. He also knew of how much hurt and pain Mary and Martha would experience when their brother died. He knew all these things, and yet he still did not answer their calls to him. He did not answer their prayers to heal Lazarus, but instead he allowed him to die.

Martha and Mary's responses were normal human reactions. They were disappointed, they felt betrayed, they were hurt and angry with Jesus because they knew he had the capability to prevent Lazarus death and yet he did not do this one thing for them - even though they had always made it evident that they loved Jesus very much. They were very devoted followers, they supported him faithfully, and yet this one thing he did not do!!!

And when seeing their pain and grief, Jesus wept...

Even when our prayers are not answered, even when the awful, terrible, tragic occurrences of our lives must happen, even when we are angry or frustrated with God...he never stops loving. He will weep with us.

And the most important part of the story is not just that Jesus weeps with us in our times of grief, but that we in our humanness are not able to see the greater purpose. We fail to see that when God allows these tragedies to take place in our lives there really is a much larger picture that we are incapable of comprehending completely. You see, when Jesus didn't answer their call to come and help Lazarus, it was because He wanted to show us a greater opportunity - that of eternal life. When Jesus delayed his response and allowed Lazarus to die, it was to foreshadow the much greater gift we are all given as believers, that we will rise with him and live forever in completeness.

We can be angry, frustrated, and completely heartbroken when these tragedies occur, and Jesus will be right there weeping with us. But we can take comfort in the promise that he will also carry our loved ones into His Kingdom.

This is the one blessing I can pull from this particular Thanksgiving holiday. Amid all the sadness and grief, the light behind the darkness is that eternal promise.

Coloring Inside The Lines

One of my earliest and fondest memories as a child is when my dad would sit with me at the kitchen table and we would color together in one of my coloring books. It was a special "father/daughter" time for the two of us.

My father and I share many similar personality traits - and maybe some of them originated with these coloring times - but one thing we both share is the strong desire to stay "within the borders" (my father was the Chief of Police in our local township, so staying within the rules was inherent). As I reflect on our times at the table, I realize that my coloring books were a display of my approach to life. In the ritual of coloring, the first thing daddy and I would do was select the colors to boldly outline each object in the picture. By identifying these borders and marking them strongly with my crayon first, it made it easier to "stay in the lines" when I was coloring the rest of the object. Once the object was outlined, I could carefully color the inside in softer shades. I loved working inside the borders - shading along the edges, but never going outside the lines. In fact, when I would take my completed artwork to my mother, the first thing I would point out is how perfectly daddy and I stayed inside the lines...

So, from a very early age, I was trained to approach life from the outside-in. I always check the borders first. As a teenager, I would see exactly how close I could come to those borders...and unfortunately many times extended beyond the lines ;) ... but once the borders were firmly identified I would travel within. Even as an early Christian, in my very early learning stage, I was most interested in the "rules". What does being a Christian mean? What are the borders to my new identity? It has taken many years, and much soul searching for me to realize that this is a backwards approach to a life with Christ.

When I became truly baptized as a follower of Christ, this meant that Christ is abiding within me, He is inside of me and the borders are not completely identified. I must now approach life from the inside out, erasing the borders and completely relinquishing the control or direction to Christ. Tough stuff to do for one who has spent many years as a border identifier!

John 14:20 says: On that day you will realize that I am in my father, and you are in me and I am in you.

So, my coloring must start inside the object and work out to the edges, without worry of coloring inside the lines, because the borders will be identified by Christ. I can't control the edges anymore...

Stars or Fireworks

One of my family's favorite traditions is to watch the fireworks together on the 4th of July. Our special favorite is to travel to Cherry Grove Beach where we can sit on the beach and watch the fireworks as they are set off at the pier. From this vantage point, the fireworks explode right above us and seem to fill the entire sky. We have seen some pretty interesting combinations, even fireworks that explode into specific designs like smiley faces or American flags. The colors are brilliant and inspiring, and each year it seems the "Grand Finale" comes too early in the evening.

But, as much as I like fireworks, and would not want to miss our 4th of July family tradition, I must say that no matter how beautiful, amazing, unique, or inspiring these explosions of color are I always have this feeling of incompleteness at the end of the evening. The fireworks never fully satisfy my desire for a good show. It always seems that they don't last long enough, aren't full enough, don't quite finish the job...

Now, stargazing on the other hand, has more lasting impressions. Laying flat out on a secluded field gazing at the summer sky, just watching the stars in the heavens up above....well, it is a God moment to say the least. Isn't it a fantastic experience to just sit and view those pinpricks of light, knowing that their formation has never changed for thousands of years! No wonder the stars have always been an attraction to mankind. In a world where everything is changing (and it seems this is happening at an increasing pace), we can always count on the stars - and even project exactly where they will be on any given day!

If we ponder long and hard on the stars, we can also begin to develop an understanding of God's patience and timing. Imagine that when we look at the stars in our sky, we are actually seeing a light that was formed many, many years ago and is just now able to be seen here on earth. In a world where speed seems to be our measure of everything, how fast a car will go, how quickly we can travel from point to point, how fast we can receive a signal on our computers, how quickly we get an answer to our email, we even measure our time in nanoseconds...to think that the stars are still measuring and performing in light years and occurrences in the heavens today will not be viewed here on earth in our own lifetime, sort of puts God's timing in perspective. It really gives us an insight to the vastness of eternity.

In his book "The Attentive Life" by Leighton Ford he states "Stars are like messengers sent by the Creator who also made us, to lure us into pondering the meaning of it all and to consider the great end of our lives. Fireworks are like the diversions we create to keep us from facing the reality of our lives."

So in my pilgrimage, I must concentrate more on stargazing...

...and less on those distractions that prevent me from understanding the reality and perspective of my own life.

As I continue to search for my special place to have a silent retreat, I will be looking for somewhere that includes the ability to see the stars. I intend to do a lot more stargazing in the future!

Sensory Perception

Today I was re-reading The Shack in preparation for a discussion group on Tuesday. This book is indescribable in its depth. I realized again today as I was reading certain sections a second time that this is one of those magical books that I can read again and again, and always find something new that makes me think or dig deeper into my own psyche. Sometimes these journeys can be dangerous...

Today I settled on page 149 where Mack is having conversation with Jesus. I will share the portion here that sent me to a very interesting introspection:

"You mean," Mack interjected a little sarcastically, "that I can't just ask, 'What Would Jesus Do'?"
Jesus chuckled. "Good intentions, bad idea. Let me know how it works for you, if that's the way you choose to go." He paused and grew sober. "Seriously, my life was not meant to be an example to copy. Being my follower is not trying to 'be like Jesus,' it means for your independence to be killed. I came to give you life, real life, my life. We will come and live our life inside of you, so that you begin to see with our eyes, and hear with our ears, and touch with our hands, and think like we do. But, we will never force that union on you. If you want to do your thing, have at it. Time is on our side."

Now that whole concept gave me great pause. I had to take time and reflect - and even took time to lay flat out and submit some time to God on this one. To think of Jesus looking out through my eyes, hearing through my ears, touching with my hands, tasting through my taste buds all of HIS great creation it just made me sit still for a few moments. It never occurred to me before that I would be a "perceptor" or nerve ending for God.

So all day today, the world has taken on a new meaning. I am eyes and ears for God to view His creation through. That makes me want to see more clearly, listen more carefully and savor taste more accurately. Thinking that I am helping God to see the world makes everything I look at more wondrous and every emotion more poignant.

Not being one who can ever take an idea and just let it settle for a while - I had to go even further to wonder about how God is setting controls for me his little nerve ending. I find it interesting that my long distance vision continues to get worse and yet at my age (somewhere past 50) I still don't need reading glasses. Why is it difficult for me to hear when there is any background noise and why do my emotions lie so close to the surface? How is He using these quirks in my senses? So is God in His little control room pushing buttons and turning knobs that adjust these senses so that I send him just the information he wants? Perhaps my reading vision is still good because I still need to do a lot more scripture reading :o) Maybe my hearing issues are supposed to force me to listen more carefully and speak a lot less...

Whatever it does mean, I do know this - my approach to each day will be different when I remember that I am but an instrument for Jesus to have contact with the world.

Press On

Sometimes in my faith walk, I feel like I am moving a huge boulder. I struggle with the daily challenges and feel the weight of all my past sins pressing down on my consciousness. And you know, sometimes I just get tired of pushing...and I forget that I am not pushing on my own strength. I become weary and the path ahead seems just too much to bear. I want to stop, rest, and even look back to where I have been because at least that road is more familiar and easier to walk now that I have created a pathway.

It is a dangerous time to stop and reflect on the past. We can either become entranced by our "accomplishments" allowing pride to seep in, dangerously creating a detour from our divine purpose and instead focused on our personal recognition and earthly rewards, OR we might become weighted down by our past sins, allowing shame and guilt to weaken us, removing our strength as part of the greater common good and once again thwarting kingdom growth.

I think this is why the Apostle Paul tells us in Philippians 3:12-14:

12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

This Sunday we studied this particular scripture, and one quote from Mike really spoke to me - "Staying in the process is MORE important than the product at any given moment". I loved that thought. That is what Paul is saying and that is our best instruction on our journey. PRESS ON - we will never arrive until that final day. PRESS ON - a better day awaits. PRESS ON - there is more growth ahead. PRESS ON - you can rise above this sin. PRESS ON - don't rest in your laurels or become drowned in your self loathing. There is a promise ahead - keep your eyes on the prize and continue moving forward.

To move forward, we must always be aware that it is not our own power that pushes the boulder, it is the Spirit within us, strengthening us, and directing us when we are pushing in the wrong direction. This is where the disciplines come in. I can't connect to the energy source within if I don't know where to plug the cord! Through regular discipline of prayer, reading The Word, and devoting my time in service to others, I can become connected to the Spirit within. These are my "outlets" to plug in to! And of course Paul has words on that too in this same letter. Philippians 2:1-3

1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Being like-minded: Reading The Word

Being one in spirit and purpose: Prayer

Consider others better than yourselves: Servant heart

That boulder will continue to PRESS ON if I continue to PLUG IN...

God and Guns!

This morning I was rudely awakened to those words proclaimed loudly by none other than Hank Williams Jr. from a snippet that was broadcast on the radio from a recent Republican rally/concert held in Fayetteville.

Hard to believe that those words would be used together as a proclamation...what has this country come to? I was disturbed all day by this announcement, even more so by the cheers of the crowd that followed it. Is this the teaching of our God and our Saviour? How can this statement be reconciled with Biblical teaching?

Have we really become a nation that equates gun ownership as a "God" ordained right? Have we removed ourselves that far from the core of God's instructions? How can someone claim to be a Christian and also proclaim a love for guns? I really struggle with this.

Here is an interesting quote from Dwight D. Eisenhower, from a speech before the American Society of Newspaper Editors, April 16, 1953 (and remembering that this man was a decorated WWII General as well as our 34th President):

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed...This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is a humanity hanging from a cross of iron."

I believe President Eisenhower would roll over in his grave if he knew that statements praising "God and Guns" were the rallying cry of a Republican gathering.

Each election season, the rhetoric becomes more and more divisive, the distinctions between the two parties more and more oppositional, the choices less obvious and the poor and the downtrodden lost in the struggle for power. I sometimes feel that as a country we have completely lost direction and instead keep spinning around the same circles, the same issues, the same frustrations. Because we are so focused on our side "winning", nothing gets accomplished except more polarization. We are now hanging dummies in effigy, physically damaging ourselves to make a story, plotting giant assassinations, sending viral emails full of half truths or lies without any consideration of the damage we are doing not only to those we oppose, but also to ourselves. Each time we reduce ourselves to the spreading of lies, gossip or half truths, we are hurting our own consciousness. How can we stop the madness???

Throughout the Bible, the chosen people of God have been set apart, not part of the culture they resided in. From the early Hebrews, the sons of Abraham to the first Christians in the Acts 2 church, we followers of God have been separate from societies ways, often subjected to hardship, slavery, persecution or execution. Perhaps the culture that surrounded them was no different than we are facing in this country. So how do I set myself apart from the madness? How do I continue my pilgrims journey of faith, follow my hearts desire and God's directive to help the poor, the orphan and the widow?

How's Your Vision?

It has always amazed me that my husband and I will be driving down the road and he will suddenly point to the side of the road and say "Did you see that deer", or he will recognize a friend driving in a car going the other way, or he will comment on something the passengers are doing in a car up the road as we start to pass it by. I have never been able to see these things. When I am riding or driving in a car I am consciously focused on the driving, but subconsciously I am always "pinging" my sensory radar for feelings or emotions, how the music on the radio makes me feel, mentally checking off my "to do" list, thinking about my destination and what my plans are when I get there. My husband and I have two completely different ways of taking a journey. If we were to use a Myers Briggs evaluation, he is definitely and "S" and I am a "N" in the perception department. While he derives his environmental awareness from sight and the reality around him, I am much more aware of the feelings of the people we are with or the tone or emotions that fill a room.

When we go on vacation it is the same thing. Dan is intently focused on seeing all we can of the sights of the city we are visting. Each day will have significant time set aside to visit and explore all the different landmarks. I on the other hand want to talk to the people we meet and get to know more about their culture, what their days are like, what their interests are. When we return from our travels and share our memories with others, sometimes it seems like we were on separate vacations!!

I guess these different ways to be attentive in life also will affect our ability to "see" God in our presence here on earth. A Sensory person will "see" God in all his majesty in the beautiful sunsets, magnificent vistas, beautiful blosseming flowers, or a rainbow after a storm. An Intuitive person on the other hand will "see" God in emotions and behaviors, in reactions and moods, in patterns and coincidences. Neither type of sight is better or more relevant than the other, they are just different. The most important point is that whichever way we are wired, we are called to take time to develop our vision. We need to check our sight regularly to make sure it is operating properly.

I seem to move through attentiveness phases myself. There are times that I can daily grasp Gods presence almost as though I could touch him. As I sit in my morning devotion time I become amazed at how randomly selected scripture will just speak to a specific life issue I am dealing with (I just LOVE when that happens!). Then at other times, it is almost as though I am wearing blinders and can't seem to discern God's presence anywhere. Usually this happens when I am extremely caught up in activities, I begin to neglect my morning time because my schedule won't allow and I drift a little from my relationship. It is funny how that hole in my life will sometimes take a while to make itself known.

During the past year, I have been increasingly aware that I need to work on quiet, meditative times to increase my personal attentiveness. And for some reason, the urgency I am feeling towards this is increasing. This is a very frightening concept for me. Taking many hours to be completely alone with God. I am not sure what to do with myself during this silent retreat...I am a people person - putting me alone for extended periods of time with no distractions, no phone, no TV, no computer - well, that's just not something I am comfortable with. But I have been hearing this call in my heart (good thing I am not a Sensory person - or God would have to send me an official invitation, or write it in the sky, or maybe send a burning bush just to get my attention), and I am looking into the options for a day of meditation...just me and the Lord.

Another Puzzle Piece in Place!

I believe I have found another piece in my puzzle of the Middle Class Paradox...

While concluding the study of Psalms of Ascent the next to last Psalm (133) sings of unity. How wonderful it is when brothers are united and live together in harmony.

So - I have been reflecting on our current events and how the past several years have sort of squeezed the middle class, pushing more folks down instead of up in their social mobility. Likewise, the very recent financial events are forcing us to really take stock in our personal priorities as we must shed our abundance (lighten our load) for survival. I have to believe that there is a grand design in all of this - so I am carefully pondering on the greater possible picture.
We have some clear choices here as individuals while we go through these personal inventories. If we are in the middle class, do we continue to separate ourselves, defining the distinctions that classify us as "middle" rather than "low" income level? Or perhaps, we can unite with those who are suffering even more, and learn from each other. Obviously, the middle income group has weakness in a Godly relationship (or at least on external dependence on a greater being than ourselves), and the low income group has weakness in aquiring the basic needs for survival.

I can't help but wonder if the current world events are God's way of forcing us to blend together in harmony. But, can we answer His request? Can we live in harmony understanding the benefits that can be mutually derived from shared life perspectives that ultimately increase our relationship and understanding of God's great design? Or, will we continue to try to isolate ourselves in fear and selfishness, afraid to release control and determined to project our place in the social continuum? It is a shame if we let this opportunity to grow relationally and purposefully together to pass us by.

Today - God sent these scriptures to me and I believe He was helping me with puzzle pieces:

Micah 6:8
But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women.It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love,And don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously.

Matthew 25:35-40
"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what's coming to you in this kingdom. It's been ready for you since the world's foundation. And here's why: I was hungry and you fed me, I was thirsty and you gave me a drink, I was homeless and you gave me a room, I was shivering and you gave me clothes, I was sick and you stopped to visit, I was in prison and you came to me.'
"Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.'

I would say that God is pretty obvious in shining a light for our way...if we want to follow HIS way!

Middle Class Paradox

Have you ever worked hard on a puzzle, all the pieces are quickly coming together, and you can even start to see the picture, but you just can't seem to find the rest of the pieces to finish it? That is sort of how I am feeling tonight.

In the past 36 hours I have received pieces of this puzzle in various ways. It began with a reading of scripture in church yesterday from The Message:

1 John 2: 15:17
Don't love the world's ways. Don't love the world's goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.

When I heard the words "The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out" I literally gasped out loud. This scripture seemed so prescient of our current world events! Wanting is on its way out...and with global magnitude.

Then I went to the Class Matters workshop last evening. It was very eye-opening to understand the motiviations and mindsets of the different socioeconomic classes. The different perspectives between those in generational poverty and those in the middle class are very interesting. When viewed through the lens of 1 John 2, I feel that I have just started to put the edge on my puzzle picture.

You see, in the middle class, our value is measured by our achievements. We measure this by our career achievements, financial achievements, education achievements and most of all our posessions. We have so much stuff that self-storage is Big Business these days!! We can't even fit all our posessions in our homes. And once again the scripture hits home..."Love of the world squeezes out love of the Father". Our posessions become our gods - and we become so immersed in this self absorbed life style that we forget about the One who has provided all. In fact we really have difficulty "scheduling" him on our calendars.

Now my class also taught me that those in situational or generational poverty measure their worth in relationships. Relationships become their currency in life. The more relationships you have, the greater your chance for survival.

I have been really caught up in this fact that the poor understand the value of relationship. And here is where I have hit one of those spots in my puzzle where I have most of the pieces, but just can't find that one necessary piece to complete my puzzle.

The poor measure their value by relationships...
Jesus said "Blessed are the poor in spirit". This is the very first of the Beatitudes.
To begin relationship with Jesus, we must also become "poor" in our love for wordly goods, in our love of self and perhaps even in our financial standing. Because only when we are poor do we have the room for our complete love for the Father.

The poor value relationships because they are necessary for survival...
And her comes another little puzzle piece...this morning, my business associate shared this scripture that was read at his church yesterday:

Luke 12: 29-34
"What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself.
"Be generous. Give to the poor. Get yourselves a bank that can't go bankrupt, a bank in heaven far from bankrobbers, safe from embezzlers, a bank you can bank on. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being

By joining Jesus in relationship we will "find all your everyday human concerns will be met."

And how about that tag line! "Get yourselves a bank that can't go bankrupt, a bank in heaven"
Does that not hit the target in these times of bank rescues and financial turbulance!!!!

I still feel I haven't hit the kernal of great truth that is lying there waiting for me in these scriptures, and am praying that God will reveal the rest of this puzzle picture to me. I anxiously await the next piece to be revealed!

Spine vs Rib

This week as we were studying our lesson on Psalm 133, I was captured by the idea of categorizing my faith beliefs into spine and rib issues.


Spine issues would be the backbone of my faith while rib issues do not involve matters that threaten to break the back. This is taking me some time to respond to. What are the true vertebrae and which aspects of my faith are more interpretive?


To me, the spine issues would be that there is one God who was the creator of all earth, he had one Son, Jesus who died for our sins and rose from the dead to bring us salvation. We receive salvation and grace from God through our belief in Jesus and one day will live in eternity in the presence of God. Spine issues - without them, our back is broken.


Rib issues are a little more sticky and difficult to capture. Ribs are connected to the spine, but branch outward to protect to soft organs of our body . Rib issues are the subtleties that separate us within our faith like baptizing by dunking or sprinkling, traditional hymns or contemporary rock and roll, speaking in tongues or silently meditating. Ribs are connected to the spine, and while they are not the primary support for the body, they do provide the casing that adds shape and dimension. Most importantly, the ribs provide the protection that allows the heartbeat to pulse regularly sending energy to the body.

In this political season, I am wondering if I can use this same process to break down the options presented by the candidates into spine or ribs. What issues are part of the spine of our country and which are rib issues? And how do I relate these to the backbone of my faith?

Fractals

Until I read "The Shack" I had never heard of fractals, or maybe I just wasn't paying enough attention in High School math when we covered that subject. So needless to say, I was intrigued when this word fractal came up and I could not figure out why Sarayu (the Holy Spirit) would say that she loved them. So I have begun a discovery of fractals.

Here are some pictures of fractals:

And here is the definition of a fractal:

fractal:

A complex geometric pattern exhibiting self-similarity in that small details of its structure viewed at any scale repeat elements of the overall pattern. See more at chaos. Fractals are often associated with recursive operations on shapes or sets of numbers, in which the result of the operation is used as the input to the same operation, repeating the process indefinitely. The operations themselves are usually very simple, but the resulting shapes or sets are often dramatic and complex, with interesting properties

Now this is something I can have fun with! Imagine God sitting in heaven and using his unique perspective to create these glorious fractals - through nature AND through our human events. I love that fractals are within themselves very simple, but the end result is very dramatic and complex. Isn't that exactly what life is all about! We are all just part of a giant fractal. Each daily occurrence carefully pre-ordained to form part of an extremely complex planned final product. I sort of feel that I am on the very edge of understanding a universal truth.

Just this morning, while studying Psalm 132, and learning the messianic prophecy from verses 17-18, it hit me that in all of our history God has never changed. He has remained true to his promises, but he has used repeating patterns of human behaviour to create His ultimate design. Human history has been a giant fractal of interlocking events of similar design uniquely situated to create a design that has infinite (or eternal...) potential.

Consider the parallel between a song to David and his glorious crown and his priests who are clothed in salvation and our own promise of salvation through Christ who wears the crown. There are many examples of these simple, self similar parts of a whole throughout the Old and New Testaments and even in our lives today.

Just like Sarayu - I love these fractals too!!

What's in a name?

Lately I have been very caught up in the specific names of God. Just before beginning the Stepping UP study, I was given a book "Praying the Names of God" as a gift. It is a wonderful book that I will soon be using as my personal morning devotion guide once this study is over. I love to learn names of God in the original Hebrew and then come to a better understanding of the scripture where they are used. As I start to learn each of these many different ways to refer to God, he becomes a living, breathing, multi-faceted, incomprehensible, wonder. A three letter word is just to small to define Him!

I have also been reading "The Shack" by WIlliam P. Young. For those of you who have not yet heard of this book, I strongly suggest you check this website: http://www.theshackbook.com . While there is some controversy surrounding this work of fiction from various Christian camps, I personally find it to be a glorious depiction of the relationship between each part of the Holy Trinity and an image of Grace and relationship that I can truly comprehend. The visual images that capture me remain long after I put the book down. It is a wonderful journey.

Because I have been on this "name thing" for a few weeks now, it really intrigued me that there are a few names in The Shack that refer to God. He is "Pappa",God, and Elousia. The name Elousia especially caught my attention and I went to my "Names of God" book to see if it was listed there. It wasn't - however last week my eyes did rest on this name for God: "El Roi" (pronounced El raw-EE) meaning "The God who sees me". I had to sit down and chew on this one for a while (and I am still chewing ;-) ! Once again, in troubled times, praying to "The God who sees me" is quite comforting.

This name for God was only used once in the entire scripture! I find that amazing. Only one time was God referred to as the one who sees us...it is the context that it was used that really touched my heart. In Genesis, when Hagar is in the desert sobbing over her circumstances - having been abused and mistreated in the desert by her master (Sarai) she was running away. She is feeling isolated and afraid. She is not sure what she can do. Here she is, pregnant with child, having fled the only means of support she had, in the middle of a desert, not sure how she will get her next meal, where she can go, who would take her in. She is so alone...then God shows up!!! Hagar calls Him "El Roi" the God who sees me. She is not alone any more!!!

Isn't it wonderful that we have this name for God to remember. No matter what my circumstances, no matter how isolated I feel, there is a God who sees me.

Now, since I have had time to really think of this - I took that name and repeated it several times, giving a different emphasis on each word. With El Roi, I am really praying to more than one name.

First there is the GOD who sees me. In this case, I am recognizing the supremacy of God, he is the ultimate, the one who I worship as "I am".

Second, there is the God who SEES me. Now I am relating to the God who knows and understands me - as no one else can. He really sees the inside of me that is held private from everyone else.

Finally, there is the God who sees ME. This is my personal God, the one that I can talk and relate to, tell my plans to, ask advise from, come to for help. He sees ME individually from the rest. And He will be there for ME, in all my circumstances.

How wonderful to have El Roi. I am captured by this name.

Then, I began to wonder - if I take such delight in God seeing ME, how much must it delight Him when I see Him!!! That is the mutuality of our relationship. It gives totally new meaning and purpose to my days. I want to delight Him the same way by recognizing when I catch a glimpse of Him. And the most wonderful thing about this is that the more I look - the more I can see Him!

Back to "The Shack"...as I have been coming to this realization, I came across a wonderful quote from this book. Not to take anything from the story (you really have to travel the journey of this book with no preconceptions), there is a quote from Jesus regarding our relationship with him:

"...I don't want to be the first among a list of values; I want to be at the center of everything. When I live in you, then together we can live through everything that happens to you. Rather than a pyramid, I want to be the center of a mobile, where everything in your life - your friends, family, occupation, thoughts, activities - is connected to me but moves with the wind, in and out and back and forth, in an incredible dance of being."

I just absolutely love that image. God as the center of a mobile - spinning and moving all around me. With my eyes on the center, I can capture the colors and shapes of God moving in and out and all around me. Not just when I am reading scripture or praising in worship or serving in ministry - but in EVERYTHING.

El Roi - The God who sees me. Oh God, I pray that I delight you when I see you too!

The eyes of the LORD

How appropriate that my Psalm this week is Psalm 33. With all the turmoil in our national economy, especially the local concerns relative to the Wachovia sale, here is what God gives us as a comfort and an instruction...

But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him

on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

to deliver them from death

and keep them alive in famine

On a very personal level, I am just beginning to absorb this concept. It has always been a struggle for me to have faith that my circumstances are all within God's greater plan. I have suffered the fear and humility of living below what had been my normal standards. As a high school senior, my father lost his job and our family had to drastically change our life-style. I never completely recognized the sacrifices my parents made to allow me to still attend college. But they were not willing to give up the dream of their first child being educated beyond their own achievements. Then through our marriage, my husband and I have twice suffered the pain of "downsizing" our life and re-prioritizing our budget. But, I must say that each subsequent time this happens to me, I become more and more able to put my faith and trust in God to deliver me through these life situations. I guess He still has much to teach me in this area, because I am still living at the address "Just enough to get by street" and it does not appear that I will be moving soon!

I am ashamed to admit that as I have been watching all these Wall Street "emergencies" and the more local Wachovia sell-out, a thought that surfaced was that at least this time it didn't very directly affect me. I actually was viewing the events as a spectator on the sidelines. How selfish of me - but in all honesty it was my very first reaction. Fortunately, this mindset didn't have opportunity to settle in. Very quickly (but of course not soon enough) I began to think of all my good friends who were affected. Then of course I began to dwell on the "ripple effect" and how this economic catastrophe would impact our entire country. It is mind boggling to even try to grasp the domino effect of this financial crisis. It will touch not only every American, but the global ramifications will be enormous. Too much for my small brain to grasp!!

So what can I do - what can we all do? Some of the answer comes from the next verses in Psalm 33, and more comes from our lesson in Psalm 127.

We wait in hope for the LORD

he is our help and our shield.

I love the imagery of the Lord as our shield - the first defense for the warrior. The shield stands out front and prevents the arrows from piercing us. So I must put the Lord out there in front of me, He is first (not me...). In my priorities, worship of Him must be number one in how I cope.

Then the second step comes from our lesson of Psalm 127. Once again, the image of the warrior, only this time it is concentrating on His weapons.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

are sons born in one's youth.

Blessed is the man

whose quiver is full of them.

They will not be put to shame

when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

As we learned through our lesson, sons are not necessarily our blood relatives. As members of a faith community, we have brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, mothers and fathers who are not related by our own blood, but rather by the blood of Christ. We have our fellow brothers and sisters as our arrows of defense. "Blessed is the man(woman) whose quiver is full of them". I can't help but lean towards the vision of the first church, the Acts 2 community. Each person giving all they have for the benefit of the greater good.

So how do I drill this down to my personal actions? Well, as always happens, Beth Moore has a way of sending out instructions that are extremely timely to my personal experience. It never ceases to amaze me that each time I specifically listen to a lesson or work through my homework on something that had been video-taped or written months or years ago, it speaks to me in this very moment of my life. Here are the instructions I received in our video lesson:

"The remedy for self absorption is to give something away"

This time in our American culture it is necessary for us to have generous grace and generous giving. It is time for us to review our lifestyle of overabundance and give spontaneous freewill offerings as a tribute to God for his temporal bounties. I must take a personal inventory of my household and give to those who are without.

"After every Passover comes a Pentecost" - after every death comes a harvest.

Perhaps this time in American culture is our own Passover time. It will be a purging time for us as a society, to evaluate our cultural and personal priorities and lifestyles. We can only pray that there will be a Pentecost or "Feast of Weeks" where we will experience a great harvest. I must plant my seeds of fear and doubt into the hard soil, maybe even water them with my tears. But I can do all this with the knowledge that one day, when the timing is perfect, there will be a harvest and until then, God's shield WILL be over me in all life circumstances, and I have arrows of fellowship friends in my quiver. There is no better vision to carry us through than the concluding scripture of Psalm 33:

In him our hearts rejoice,

for we trust in his holy name.

May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD

even as we put our hope in you.

My Personal Passover

A highlight for me of the lenten season is to experience a Christian "Seder". This is a Christian version of the traditional Jewish Passover Seder (or Feast of Unleavened Bread). For those who might not be familiar, the Seder is the actual Passover meal that Jesus was participating in for the last supper. It is a traditional ritual that includes the reciting of the Haggadah - the retelling of the Israelite exodus from Egypt. It is a very scripted meal and every item on the Seder plate is representative of a portion of the story. When participating in a Christian Seder, the true meaning of the bread and the wine is experienced, and we become much more aware of what the 12 disciples would have understood Jesus to be telling them through His symbolism. For me, the Seder is the ultimate bridge between the Old and New Testaments and is what makes the Easter story even more amazing.

A big part in the preparation for the traditional Seder is the removal of all yeast from the home. Until viewing last night's video for our study, I didn't truly comprehend the significance of removal of the yeast. But now, with the understanding that ancient rabbis believed that leaven represents the evil impulses of the heart, and is symbolic of sin - how amazing is it to think that Jesus was so pure from sin, that even at his last meal it would have symbolically been removed from his presence in preparation for the meal he would share with his followers.

So, today I began thinking more of that yeast (sin) and how it is kneaded into the bread, quickly yet invisibly spreading completely throughout. How difficult it must be physically to remove all the yeast from our homes (or all sin from our lives!). Is my own sin that way? Sort of invisibly embedded throughout - so subtle that I can't really notice it?

This past Sunday, as Mike was teaching on the difficult subject of Hate, I remember thinking to myself - I think I have that one sort of purged from my heart. I have had personal experiences that really worked on that particular issue with me - and so I was actually considering that this is one of the sins that maybe I have under control. Now you would think that at my age I would know better than to be so (dare I say...) prideful! Of course, God wasn't going to let me sit still with that one - although I guess He did give me a 24 hour respite.

But then this morning, when I started to think of this subtle yeast, I began to contemplate on the ways that hate can start. It is those innocent little jokes about someone we discussed, or a sarcasm that may have been intended as a joke, or gossip that can even pervade prayer or be shared with the "best intentions". Hate can start that way - and it can (just like yeast) begin to grow and expand...if we don't take time to remove it from our homes (hearts).

Then I remembered that Jesus said..."You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment. But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment." So while on Sunday I was comfortable thinking that I had hate under control - I am now very uncomfortable thinking of all the little ways I have allowed hate to be carefully worked into my very core.

Now, in my own personal passover preparation, I am going to start searching for that yeast in my house. This one is so hard! Just today I began to catch myself so many times (especially in a political season) making hurtful or sarcastic comments. It is almost second nature! I have lots of work ahead of me. I may have to start a bakery with all the yeast I come across!!

On Sunday, Mike taught that the Psalms teach us that to be fully human, we must pray as we actually are - not who we think we should be. On Tuesday, Beth Moore taught us to "Be who you are". I don't think it is coincidence that these instructions were given twice in one week!

Authentic relationship is what God seeks. In preparation for this little revelation, He even sent me instructions. Last week, in my morning Daily Office, I was reading Psalm 141 each day. Each time I came to verses 3 and 4, I stopped for some reason. They really struck me and I could tell there was a message for me there:

Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD

keep watch over the door of my lips

Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil,

to take part in wicked deeds

with men who are evildoers;

let me not eat of their delicacies.

I believe this scripture will need to be part of my yeast search strategy!

St. Adamnan Responds

On days when I am not doing my "homework" for the Stepping Up study, I am working on my morning prayer ritual. I have become determined to work on my personal discipline of morning prayer and have been studying methods of prayer from various resources. Often a morning liturgy is referred to as "The Daily Office" and I am working with two guides to help me create my own style and ritual.

This morning, I turned to the book "Celtic Daily Prayer: Prayers and Readings from the Northumbria Community", and turned to the daily readings section for September 23. I learned that today is actually the day of St. Adamnan. Adamnan MacRonan was a peace-loving man who worked for Irish law to be changed, exempting women, children and clergy from military service. He lived in the late 600 to 704 AD and is best known for writing his master work "The Life of St. Columba".

Well, Lo and Behold! As I was reading I was amazed that this special reading for today is a gracious answer to my concerns of yesterday...how affirming is that! When I question how God feels about me, here is the gentle answer the very next day. I will share this word with you, and hope it gives you the same contentment that I was granted this morning.

Often I strain and climb

and struggle to lay hold

of everything I'm certain

You have planned for me.

And nothing happens:

there comes no answer.

Only You reach down to me

just where I am.

When You give me no answer

to my questions,

still I have only to raise up my arms

to You, my Father

and then You lift me up.

Then because You are my Father

You speak these words of truth

to my heart:

'You are not an accident.

Even at the moment of your conception,

out of many possibilities,

only certain cells combined,

survived, grew to be you.

You are unique.

You were created for a purpose.

God loves you.

If the LORD had not been on my side...

These past few days as I have been camped on Psalm 124, I have been forced to reflect on some disturbing self revelations. While I am comfortable in my personal adoration of God and Jesus, how do I feel that God thinks of me? When I read the following quote, it gave me great pause - in fact it sort of made me take a step backwards in surprise...

Regardless of how long we've been Christians and how deeply we've studied God's Word, most of us don't really believe down in the marrow of our bones that God is entirely, wholeheartedly, and unwaveringly on our side.

I must admit, she caught me on this one! Many times as I sit in my private time, I picture God taking a deep sigh and sort of crossing His arms - with that "Here we go again" sort of expression on His face. I want to please Him so much - and yet I can easily get caught up in my own interpretations of His response to me. If my will is not accomplished, then the immediate conclusion is that God is not pleased with me - He likes the other person, group, competitor, side of the argument, more than my own...He must not be for me...I am not as important to Him as these others.

I love the gift of the scripture John 13:7 "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand". How often have I used that sort of phrase with my own children! And when I really sit and think, those times my prayers were NOT answered, wasn't that really the best thing for me? Most times down the road, my current NO was for a bigger YES in the future!

All this is easy to remember when you are not treading water just trying to stay afloat. But for true relational growth, amidst all the fears and frustrations, can I still remember that even when it appears God is not caring for me, He is still right by my side? Can I trust Him completely, do I truly believe He will pull me through? Or will I once again try to take matters into my own hands, determine the required results and move forward on my own? Or worse yet, when my life is running smoothly, or my desires are fulfilled - will I remember that these are God's will, and not my own accomplishments as well?

Romans 8:28 promises that God works ALL things for the good of those who love him. That is the treasure I must press into my own psyche - and keep it foremost in my heart. I must thank Him for my blessings, but also thank Him for caring enough about me to want the best for me - even when I can't see the benefits myself...

My First Official Blog Entry

This is pretty scary - opening up my thoughts to the web!

To my fellow "Stepping Up" pilgrims, I hope we can use this tool to grow during the week as we study the Psalms of Ascent together.

I have to say that laying flat out and submitting myself to God each morning has required the most effort for me as far as releasing inhibitions (even when I know I am totally alone in my house!). There is something about being in a position of total submission that works on my own pride and helps to create an attitude of humility before I begin reading the Word.

Here is a great invocation I came upon that has helped me prepare before I stretch out:

O God, whose grace and mercy flow like

an endless river from your great being,

help me now to place myself in the path of your

rushing love and limitless compassion,

that I may find my spirit renewed.

Amen

(Taken from"A Guide to Prayer For All God's People" p. 280)

What about you? What helps you get started each day?