Heartkeeping

This has been a different sort of Christmas. It is not really the economic crisis, or the never ending war, or environmental concerns, or any of the other very real and very large issues that we are facing individually and nationally. These types of worldly events are always present (albeit not always concurrently and at these levels) . But for some reason this year, no matter who I talk to or where I am, it seems that the Christmas Spirit is just not as joyful this year. The colors are not as bright, the lights are not as brilliant, the faces are not as full as anticipation as previous years.

What is this? What has happened to Christmas?

Speaking for myself I think it is a heart matter, and for my own sake I will be doing some "heartkeeping" this Christmas. Just as I took the time in preparation for Christmas at my home to pull out the furniture and sweep in all the corners, get down all my boxes of Christmas "stuff" and carefully examine which cherished treasures will be carefully set out on display and which would wait for another year...so I must also examine my heart. I need to carefully look in all the hidden places of my heart and sweep away any of those deeply hidden joy stealers like envy, bitterness or fear. Then I will need to sort through those treasures of love, joy, contentment and mercy and find just the right places to put them on display.



Housekeeping is not one of my strengths - and unfortunately heartkeeping is proving difficult for me as well. I could very easily gloss over some of those "dust bunnies" that I have found in the recesses of my heart (no one else would really see them anyway). But what happens to a house that is only topically maintained? Without regular maintenance and a good deep cleaning every once and awhile, the house begins to deteriorate. I believe our heart requires the same attention. Good heartkeeping requires some deep cleansing on a regular basis. What better time to start then Advent.

From Antevasin to Poustinik

I love words ~ especially really cool sounding ones. There is nothing quite like finding just the perfect word to express a feeling or emotion. When I find special words like these I want to embrace them and make them a part of my being.

This is exactly how I felt a few years ago when I came across the word "Antevasin" in the book "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Antevasin is an ancient sanskrit word meaning: ‘one who lives at the border.’ In ancient times this was a literal description. It indicated a person who had left the bustling center of worldly life to go live at the edge of the forest where the spiritual masters dwelled. The antevasin was not of the villagers anymore-not a householder with a conventional life. But neither was he yet a transcendent-not one of those sages who live deep in the unexplored woods, fully realized. The antevasin was an in-betweener. he was a border-dweller. He lived in sight of both worlds, but he looked toward the unknown. And he was a scholar.”

At the time I came across this word, it was a perfect description of how I was feeling in my pilgrimmage. I had moved to a new level of spirituality, but was still not "there" yet. I have long been an "in-betweener" or "border dweller". And most of my life has been trying to figure out where exactly I belong. Once you have moved to in-between, you can't really go back to where you were and be satisfied, nor do you feel ready to move to the next level. So for several years now I have travelled on the edge - sometimes making forays into the next level of faith, taking brief tastes of what it is like, but not feeling comfortable enough to stay for any extended period. So life has been pretty much a travel along the edges, peering back and forth between these two worlds. Perhaps that is why I started this blog...an effort to move forward.

The scripture I have found to best describe this feeling comes from Habakkuk 2:1

1 I will stand at my watch

and station myself on the ramparts;

I will look to see what he will say to me,

and what answer I am to give to this complaint

Now I have come across a new word that seems to best capture my new state of being...Poustinik The poustinik is one who craves in their hearts to be alone with God and His immense silence. Poustinia is the Russian term for desert. In the Western sense of the word, it would mean a place to which a hermit goes. To the Russian, the word means more than a geographical place. It means a quiet, lonely place that people wish to enter, to find God who dwells within them. One who enters this place is a poustinik.

So this deep calling I have been feeling to find that special place for my time alone is truly the call of the poustinik. I know God is preparing this place for me, I have been receiving hints in my daily readings - and I am certain that the time and place will be revealed when I am ready to go.

It will be exciting to come down from the fence - and yet the fence railings are very familiar territory now. Venturing into the unknown takes great faith and courage. I trust that I will be prepared.

Jesus wept

This Thanksgiving was not a typical time of reflecting on the blessings of the past year, feasting and optimistically looking forward to the upcoming holiday season. Instead, I was awakened early that morning to the news of the death of my uncle, closely followed by the tragic death of a 19 year old member of our church.

The juxtaposition of these two human losses has caused me to reflect deeply on what human death means to us as Christians. It is difficult in any circumstance for us , with our limited capabilities, to embrace death as a new beginning - no matter how deep our faith may be. It is a concept that has no concrete life experiences we can relate to, and yet is the most critical element of our spiritual development.

How do we who are left on earth react when we lose a loved one? What is the appropriate response? In the case of my uncle, a man who has suffered the past 20 years with severe health issues, our family was silently relieved. While we mourned the loss of a kind, generous, humorous and frank gentleman who lit up a room when he walked in, we were all grateful for the time we did have with him and knew in our hearts that he had lived a full life. But in the case of the 19 year old, my heart just broke with the feeling of great loss. I can't even pretend to imagine his parents grief over the loss of a child who had so much opportunity ahead of him. Why do these things happen...it just does not seem fair. I can see how someone could become very angry with God at this injustice.

So I have been searching the scripture for guidance from Jesus on how we should properly respond to these types of circumstances. My answer came from the gospel of John.

John 11:34-36 (New International Version)
"Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied.
Jesus wept.
Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

In the context of this story, Jesus delayed his travels even when he had been called to specifically to help his very dear friends Mary, Martha and Lazarus. He knew that by waiting, it would be too late to heal Lazarus when he arrived. He also knew of how much hurt and pain Mary and Martha would experience when their brother died. He knew all these things, and yet he still did not answer their calls to him. He did not answer their prayers to heal Lazarus, but instead he allowed him to die.

Martha and Mary's responses were normal human reactions. They were disappointed, they felt betrayed, they were hurt and angry with Jesus because they knew he had the capability to prevent Lazarus death and yet he did not do this one thing for them - even though they had always made it evident that they loved Jesus very much. They were very devoted followers, they supported him faithfully, and yet this one thing he did not do!!!

And when seeing their pain and grief, Jesus wept...

Even when our prayers are not answered, even when the awful, terrible, tragic occurrences of our lives must happen, even when we are angry or frustrated with God...he never stops loving. He will weep with us.

And the most important part of the story is not just that Jesus weeps with us in our times of grief, but that we in our humanness are not able to see the greater purpose. We fail to see that when God allows these tragedies to take place in our lives there really is a much larger picture that we are incapable of comprehending completely. You see, when Jesus didn't answer their call to come and help Lazarus, it was because He wanted to show us a greater opportunity - that of eternal life. When Jesus delayed his response and allowed Lazarus to die, it was to foreshadow the much greater gift we are all given as believers, that we will rise with him and live forever in completeness.

We can be angry, frustrated, and completely heartbroken when these tragedies occur, and Jesus will be right there weeping with us. But we can take comfort in the promise that he will also carry our loved ones into His Kingdom.

This is the one blessing I can pull from this particular Thanksgiving holiday. Amid all the sadness and grief, the light behind the darkness is that eternal promise.