My Personal Passover

A highlight for me of the lenten season is to experience a Christian "Seder". This is a Christian version of the traditional Jewish Passover Seder (or Feast of Unleavened Bread). For those who might not be familiar, the Seder is the actual Passover meal that Jesus was participating in for the last supper. It is a traditional ritual that includes the reciting of the Haggadah - the retelling of the Israelite exodus from Egypt. It is a very scripted meal and every item on the Seder plate is representative of a portion of the story. When participating in a Christian Seder, the true meaning of the bread and the wine is experienced, and we become much more aware of what the 12 disciples would have understood Jesus to be telling them through His symbolism. For me, the Seder is the ultimate bridge between the Old and New Testaments and is what makes the Easter story even more amazing.

A big part in the preparation for the traditional Seder is the removal of all yeast from the home. Until viewing last night's video for our study, I didn't truly comprehend the significance of removal of the yeast. But now, with the understanding that ancient rabbis believed that leaven represents the evil impulses of the heart, and is symbolic of sin - how amazing is it to think that Jesus was so pure from sin, that even at his last meal it would have symbolically been removed from his presence in preparation for the meal he would share with his followers.

So, today I began thinking more of that yeast (sin) and how it is kneaded into the bread, quickly yet invisibly spreading completely throughout. How difficult it must be physically to remove all the yeast from our homes (or all sin from our lives!). Is my own sin that way? Sort of invisibly embedded throughout - so subtle that I can't really notice it?

This past Sunday, as Mike was teaching on the difficult subject of Hate, I remember thinking to myself - I think I have that one sort of purged from my heart. I have had personal experiences that really worked on that particular issue with me - and so I was actually considering that this is one of the sins that maybe I have under control. Now you would think that at my age I would know better than to be so (dare I say...) prideful! Of course, God wasn't going to let me sit still with that one - although I guess He did give me a 24 hour respite.

But then this morning, when I started to think of this subtle yeast, I began to contemplate on the ways that hate can start. It is those innocent little jokes about someone we discussed, or a sarcasm that may have been intended as a joke, or gossip that can even pervade prayer or be shared with the "best intentions". Hate can start that way - and it can (just like yeast) begin to grow and expand...if we don't take time to remove it from our homes (hearts).

Then I remembered that Jesus said..."You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment. But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment." So while on Sunday I was comfortable thinking that I had hate under control - I am now very uncomfortable thinking of all the little ways I have allowed hate to be carefully worked into my very core.

Now, in my own personal passover preparation, I am going to start searching for that yeast in my house. This one is so hard! Just today I began to catch myself so many times (especially in a political season) making hurtful or sarcastic comments. It is almost second nature! I have lots of work ahead of me. I may have to start a bakery with all the yeast I come across!!

On Sunday, Mike taught that the Psalms teach us that to be fully human, we must pray as we actually are - not who we think we should be. On Tuesday, Beth Moore taught us to "Be who you are". I don't think it is coincidence that these instructions were given twice in one week!

Authentic relationship is what God seeks. In preparation for this little revelation, He even sent me instructions. Last week, in my morning Daily Office, I was reading Psalm 141 each day. Each time I came to verses 3 and 4, I stopped for some reason. They really struck me and I could tell there was a message for me there:

Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD

keep watch over the door of my lips

Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil,

to take part in wicked deeds

with men who are evildoers;

let me not eat of their delicacies.

I believe this scripture will need to be part of my yeast search strategy!

St. Adamnan Responds

On days when I am not doing my "homework" for the Stepping Up study, I am working on my morning prayer ritual. I have become determined to work on my personal discipline of morning prayer and have been studying methods of prayer from various resources. Often a morning liturgy is referred to as "The Daily Office" and I am working with two guides to help me create my own style and ritual.

This morning, I turned to the book "Celtic Daily Prayer: Prayers and Readings from the Northumbria Community", and turned to the daily readings section for September 23. I learned that today is actually the day of St. Adamnan. Adamnan MacRonan was a peace-loving man who worked for Irish law to be changed, exempting women, children and clergy from military service. He lived in the late 600 to 704 AD and is best known for writing his master work "The Life of St. Columba".

Well, Lo and Behold! As I was reading I was amazed that this special reading for today is a gracious answer to my concerns of yesterday...how affirming is that! When I question how God feels about me, here is the gentle answer the very next day. I will share this word with you, and hope it gives you the same contentment that I was granted this morning.

Often I strain and climb

and struggle to lay hold

of everything I'm certain

You have planned for me.

And nothing happens:

there comes no answer.

Only You reach down to me

just where I am.

When You give me no answer

to my questions,

still I have only to raise up my arms

to You, my Father

and then You lift me up.

Then because You are my Father

You speak these words of truth

to my heart:

'You are not an accident.

Even at the moment of your conception,

out of many possibilities,

only certain cells combined,

survived, grew to be you.

You are unique.

You were created for a purpose.

God loves you.

If the LORD had not been on my side...

These past few days as I have been camped on Psalm 124, I have been forced to reflect on some disturbing self revelations. While I am comfortable in my personal adoration of God and Jesus, how do I feel that God thinks of me? When I read the following quote, it gave me great pause - in fact it sort of made me take a step backwards in surprise...

Regardless of how long we've been Christians and how deeply we've studied God's Word, most of us don't really believe down in the marrow of our bones that God is entirely, wholeheartedly, and unwaveringly on our side.

I must admit, she caught me on this one! Many times as I sit in my private time, I picture God taking a deep sigh and sort of crossing His arms - with that "Here we go again" sort of expression on His face. I want to please Him so much - and yet I can easily get caught up in my own interpretations of His response to me. If my will is not accomplished, then the immediate conclusion is that God is not pleased with me - He likes the other person, group, competitor, side of the argument, more than my own...He must not be for me...I am not as important to Him as these others.

I love the gift of the scripture John 13:7 "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand". How often have I used that sort of phrase with my own children! And when I really sit and think, those times my prayers were NOT answered, wasn't that really the best thing for me? Most times down the road, my current NO was for a bigger YES in the future!

All this is easy to remember when you are not treading water just trying to stay afloat. But for true relational growth, amidst all the fears and frustrations, can I still remember that even when it appears God is not caring for me, He is still right by my side? Can I trust Him completely, do I truly believe He will pull me through? Or will I once again try to take matters into my own hands, determine the required results and move forward on my own? Or worse yet, when my life is running smoothly, or my desires are fulfilled - will I remember that these are God's will, and not my own accomplishments as well?

Romans 8:28 promises that God works ALL things for the good of those who love him. That is the treasure I must press into my own psyche - and keep it foremost in my heart. I must thank Him for my blessings, but also thank Him for caring enough about me to want the best for me - even when I can't see the benefits myself...

My First Official Blog Entry

This is pretty scary - opening up my thoughts to the web!

To my fellow "Stepping Up" pilgrims, I hope we can use this tool to grow during the week as we study the Psalms of Ascent together.

I have to say that laying flat out and submitting myself to God each morning has required the most effort for me as far as releasing inhibitions (even when I know I am totally alone in my house!). There is something about being in a position of total submission that works on my own pride and helps to create an attitude of humility before I begin reading the Word.

Here is a great invocation I came upon that has helped me prepare before I stretch out:

O God, whose grace and mercy flow like

an endless river from your great being,

help me now to place myself in the path of your

rushing love and limitless compassion,

that I may find my spirit renewed.

Amen

(Taken from"A Guide to Prayer For All God's People" p. 280)

What about you? What helps you get started each day?