Heartkeeping

This has been a different sort of Christmas. It is not really the economic crisis, or the never ending war, or environmental concerns, or any of the other very real and very large issues that we are facing individually and nationally. These types of worldly events are always present (albeit not always concurrently and at these levels) . But for some reason this year, no matter who I talk to or where I am, it seems that the Christmas Spirit is just not as joyful this year. The colors are not as bright, the lights are not as brilliant, the faces are not as full as anticipation as previous years.

What is this? What has happened to Christmas?

Speaking for myself I think it is a heart matter, and for my own sake I will be doing some "heartkeeping" this Christmas. Just as I took the time in preparation for Christmas at my home to pull out the furniture and sweep in all the corners, get down all my boxes of Christmas "stuff" and carefully examine which cherished treasures will be carefully set out on display and which would wait for another year...so I must also examine my heart. I need to carefully look in all the hidden places of my heart and sweep away any of those deeply hidden joy stealers like envy, bitterness or fear. Then I will need to sort through those treasures of love, joy, contentment and mercy and find just the right places to put them on display.



Housekeeping is not one of my strengths - and unfortunately heartkeeping is proving difficult for me as well. I could very easily gloss over some of those "dust bunnies" that I have found in the recesses of my heart (no one else would really see them anyway). But what happens to a house that is only topically maintained? Without regular maintenance and a good deep cleaning every once and awhile, the house begins to deteriorate. I believe our heart requires the same attention. Good heartkeeping requires some deep cleansing on a regular basis. What better time to start then Advent.

From Antevasin to Poustinik

I love words ~ especially really cool sounding ones. There is nothing quite like finding just the perfect word to express a feeling or emotion. When I find special words like these I want to embrace them and make them a part of my being.

This is exactly how I felt a few years ago when I came across the word "Antevasin" in the book "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Antevasin is an ancient sanskrit word meaning: ‘one who lives at the border.’ In ancient times this was a literal description. It indicated a person who had left the bustling center of worldly life to go live at the edge of the forest where the spiritual masters dwelled. The antevasin was not of the villagers anymore-not a householder with a conventional life. But neither was he yet a transcendent-not one of those sages who live deep in the unexplored woods, fully realized. The antevasin was an in-betweener. he was a border-dweller. He lived in sight of both worlds, but he looked toward the unknown. And he was a scholar.”

At the time I came across this word, it was a perfect description of how I was feeling in my pilgrimmage. I had moved to a new level of spirituality, but was still not "there" yet. I have long been an "in-betweener" or "border dweller". And most of my life has been trying to figure out where exactly I belong. Once you have moved to in-between, you can't really go back to where you were and be satisfied, nor do you feel ready to move to the next level. So for several years now I have travelled on the edge - sometimes making forays into the next level of faith, taking brief tastes of what it is like, but not feeling comfortable enough to stay for any extended period. So life has been pretty much a travel along the edges, peering back and forth between these two worlds. Perhaps that is why I started this blog...an effort to move forward.

The scripture I have found to best describe this feeling comes from Habakkuk 2:1

1 I will stand at my watch

and station myself on the ramparts;

I will look to see what he will say to me,

and what answer I am to give to this complaint

Now I have come across a new word that seems to best capture my new state of being...Poustinik The poustinik is one who craves in their hearts to be alone with God and His immense silence. Poustinia is the Russian term for desert. In the Western sense of the word, it would mean a place to which a hermit goes. To the Russian, the word means more than a geographical place. It means a quiet, lonely place that people wish to enter, to find God who dwells within them. One who enters this place is a poustinik.

So this deep calling I have been feeling to find that special place for my time alone is truly the call of the poustinik. I know God is preparing this place for me, I have been receiving hints in my daily readings - and I am certain that the time and place will be revealed when I am ready to go.

It will be exciting to come down from the fence - and yet the fence railings are very familiar territory now. Venturing into the unknown takes great faith and courage. I trust that I will be prepared.

Jesus wept

This Thanksgiving was not a typical time of reflecting on the blessings of the past year, feasting and optimistically looking forward to the upcoming holiday season. Instead, I was awakened early that morning to the news of the death of my uncle, closely followed by the tragic death of a 19 year old member of our church.

The juxtaposition of these two human losses has caused me to reflect deeply on what human death means to us as Christians. It is difficult in any circumstance for us , with our limited capabilities, to embrace death as a new beginning - no matter how deep our faith may be. It is a concept that has no concrete life experiences we can relate to, and yet is the most critical element of our spiritual development.

How do we who are left on earth react when we lose a loved one? What is the appropriate response? In the case of my uncle, a man who has suffered the past 20 years with severe health issues, our family was silently relieved. While we mourned the loss of a kind, generous, humorous and frank gentleman who lit up a room when he walked in, we were all grateful for the time we did have with him and knew in our hearts that he had lived a full life. But in the case of the 19 year old, my heart just broke with the feeling of great loss. I can't even pretend to imagine his parents grief over the loss of a child who had so much opportunity ahead of him. Why do these things happen...it just does not seem fair. I can see how someone could become very angry with God at this injustice.

So I have been searching the scripture for guidance from Jesus on how we should properly respond to these types of circumstances. My answer came from the gospel of John.

John 11:34-36 (New International Version)
"Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied.
Jesus wept.
Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

In the context of this story, Jesus delayed his travels even when he had been called to specifically to help his very dear friends Mary, Martha and Lazarus. He knew that by waiting, it would be too late to heal Lazarus when he arrived. He also knew of how much hurt and pain Mary and Martha would experience when their brother died. He knew all these things, and yet he still did not answer their calls to him. He did not answer their prayers to heal Lazarus, but instead he allowed him to die.

Martha and Mary's responses were normal human reactions. They were disappointed, they felt betrayed, they were hurt and angry with Jesus because they knew he had the capability to prevent Lazarus death and yet he did not do this one thing for them - even though they had always made it evident that they loved Jesus very much. They were very devoted followers, they supported him faithfully, and yet this one thing he did not do!!!

And when seeing their pain and grief, Jesus wept...

Even when our prayers are not answered, even when the awful, terrible, tragic occurrences of our lives must happen, even when we are angry or frustrated with God...he never stops loving. He will weep with us.

And the most important part of the story is not just that Jesus weeps with us in our times of grief, but that we in our humanness are not able to see the greater purpose. We fail to see that when God allows these tragedies to take place in our lives there really is a much larger picture that we are incapable of comprehending completely. You see, when Jesus didn't answer their call to come and help Lazarus, it was because He wanted to show us a greater opportunity - that of eternal life. When Jesus delayed his response and allowed Lazarus to die, it was to foreshadow the much greater gift we are all given as believers, that we will rise with him and live forever in completeness.

We can be angry, frustrated, and completely heartbroken when these tragedies occur, and Jesus will be right there weeping with us. But we can take comfort in the promise that he will also carry our loved ones into His Kingdom.

This is the one blessing I can pull from this particular Thanksgiving holiday. Amid all the sadness and grief, the light behind the darkness is that eternal promise.

Coloring Inside The Lines

One of my earliest and fondest memories as a child is when my dad would sit with me at the kitchen table and we would color together in one of my coloring books. It was a special "father/daughter" time for the two of us.

My father and I share many similar personality traits - and maybe some of them originated with these coloring times - but one thing we both share is the strong desire to stay "within the borders" (my father was the Chief of Police in our local township, so staying within the rules was inherent). As I reflect on our times at the table, I realize that my coloring books were a display of my approach to life. In the ritual of coloring, the first thing daddy and I would do was select the colors to boldly outline each object in the picture. By identifying these borders and marking them strongly with my crayon first, it made it easier to "stay in the lines" when I was coloring the rest of the object. Once the object was outlined, I could carefully color the inside in softer shades. I loved working inside the borders - shading along the edges, but never going outside the lines. In fact, when I would take my completed artwork to my mother, the first thing I would point out is how perfectly daddy and I stayed inside the lines...

So, from a very early age, I was trained to approach life from the outside-in. I always check the borders first. As a teenager, I would see exactly how close I could come to those borders...and unfortunately many times extended beyond the lines ;) ... but once the borders were firmly identified I would travel within. Even as an early Christian, in my very early learning stage, I was most interested in the "rules". What does being a Christian mean? What are the borders to my new identity? It has taken many years, and much soul searching for me to realize that this is a backwards approach to a life with Christ.

When I became truly baptized as a follower of Christ, this meant that Christ is abiding within me, He is inside of me and the borders are not completely identified. I must now approach life from the inside out, erasing the borders and completely relinquishing the control or direction to Christ. Tough stuff to do for one who has spent many years as a border identifier!

John 14:20 says: On that day you will realize that I am in my father, and you are in me and I am in you.

So, my coloring must start inside the object and work out to the edges, without worry of coloring inside the lines, because the borders will be identified by Christ. I can't control the edges anymore...

Stars or Fireworks

One of my family's favorite traditions is to watch the fireworks together on the 4th of July. Our special favorite is to travel to Cherry Grove Beach where we can sit on the beach and watch the fireworks as they are set off at the pier. From this vantage point, the fireworks explode right above us and seem to fill the entire sky. We have seen some pretty interesting combinations, even fireworks that explode into specific designs like smiley faces or American flags. The colors are brilliant and inspiring, and each year it seems the "Grand Finale" comes too early in the evening.

But, as much as I like fireworks, and would not want to miss our 4th of July family tradition, I must say that no matter how beautiful, amazing, unique, or inspiring these explosions of color are I always have this feeling of incompleteness at the end of the evening. The fireworks never fully satisfy my desire for a good show. It always seems that they don't last long enough, aren't full enough, don't quite finish the job...

Now, stargazing on the other hand, has more lasting impressions. Laying flat out on a secluded field gazing at the summer sky, just watching the stars in the heavens up above....well, it is a God moment to say the least. Isn't it a fantastic experience to just sit and view those pinpricks of light, knowing that their formation has never changed for thousands of years! No wonder the stars have always been an attraction to mankind. In a world where everything is changing (and it seems this is happening at an increasing pace), we can always count on the stars - and even project exactly where they will be on any given day!

If we ponder long and hard on the stars, we can also begin to develop an understanding of God's patience and timing. Imagine that when we look at the stars in our sky, we are actually seeing a light that was formed many, many years ago and is just now able to be seen here on earth. In a world where speed seems to be our measure of everything, how fast a car will go, how quickly we can travel from point to point, how fast we can receive a signal on our computers, how quickly we get an answer to our email, we even measure our time in nanoseconds...to think that the stars are still measuring and performing in light years and occurrences in the heavens today will not be viewed here on earth in our own lifetime, sort of puts God's timing in perspective. It really gives us an insight to the vastness of eternity.

In his book "The Attentive Life" by Leighton Ford he states "Stars are like messengers sent by the Creator who also made us, to lure us into pondering the meaning of it all and to consider the great end of our lives. Fireworks are like the diversions we create to keep us from facing the reality of our lives."

So in my pilgrimage, I must concentrate more on stargazing...

...and less on those distractions that prevent me from understanding the reality and perspective of my own life.

As I continue to search for my special place to have a silent retreat, I will be looking for somewhere that includes the ability to see the stars. I intend to do a lot more stargazing in the future!